You know, Halloween is fast approaching.

The day when parents encourage little boys

to dress like little girls and little girls

to dress like horse and go door-to-door

brow-beating, hard-working Americans

into giving them free food.

Well, you know what, Western Ohio?

We've lost the true meaning of Halloween.

Fear.

Halloween is that magical day of the year

when a child has told their grandmother's a demon.

It's been feeding them rat casserole

with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs.

Children must know fear.

Without it, they won't know how to behave.

They'll try fronching grizzly bears

or consider living in Florida.

So moms skip trick-or-treating this year.

And instead, sit your little toddler down

and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie.

And before he went out to sharpen his pitch fork,

he whispered to mommy that you look delicious.

...