My Husband Hasn't Touched Me in 12 Years – Here’s what to do
Lights On with Carl Lentz
B-Side
4.8 • 797 Ratings
🗓️ 21 January 2026
⏱️ 46 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle a question most couples are too afraid to ask out loud: What do you do when your spouse hasn't initiated sex in over a decade? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about intimacy, desire, and what's really going on beneath the surface.
Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding after devastating betrayal, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: a sexless marriage isn't actually about sex. It's about safety, avoidance, and what the nervous system has learned to protect itself from. And those patterns are quietly destroying more marriages than the fights ever could.
Laura shares why women often fear initiation and what that internal dialogue actually sounds like. Carl delivers the conversation most couples avoid: if your spouse has shut down sexually, their nervous system has learned avoidance as protection—and shaming them won't fix it.
From the three avenues every couple must explore (invisible hurdles, relational disconnect, and the meaning of sex in your marriage) to the two-month "pressure reset" that rebuilt their own intimacy—this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want to stop surviving and start connecting.
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This episode will challenge any couple who believes the problem is just about frequency when it's really about safety, honesty, and friendship.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Supported by Plana https://plana.org/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 The Sexless Marriage Epidemic
01:57 Why We're Not Marriage Experts
03:14 The Question That Started It All
04:44 Why The Church Doesn't Talk About This
08:05 Redefining What's "Normal" For Your Marriage
12:48 Three Questions That Actually Unlock Answers
14:24 God Behind Bars Partnership
15:59 Why Your Spouse Stopped Initiating
17:22 Go Higher Than Sex
18:52 How To Start The Conversation (Without Accusations)
21:49 Avenue 1: The Invisible Hurdles
24:52 Avenue 2: The Relational Disconnect
27:32 Be Kinder, Get More Action
29:11 Plana Partnership
30:24 Avenue 3: What Sex Means To You
33:45 The Two-Month Pressure Reset
37:16 When Your Needs Aren't The Priority
40:55 Why Having This Conversation Makes You Brave
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This episode is sponsored by Better Help. |
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