MFP 377: When Kids Take Control: What To Do and How to Stop It
Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family
Mike and Alicia Hernon : Catholic Marriage Parent and Family
4.9 • 841 Ratings
🗓️ 13 April 2026
⏱️ 64 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
When I stopped trying to fix or change my child, and explored my own role in fostering bullying behaviors, I found the answers I needed. These behaviors were a direct consequence of my own insecurities. - Sean Grover, Ph.D.
Summary
Parents often make excuses for their children's outrageous behavior, whether it's a preschooler's tantrum or a teen's sullen refusal to do what he or she has been asked. Children who become unmanageable or verbally abusive to their parents are, in fact, bullies, although most parents don't think of these behaviors in that way. Maybe they should.
Key Takeaways
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Kids aren't the problem—unchecked patterns are. When disrespect or control shows up in a child, it often points back to gaps in parental boundaries, consistency, or self-awareness.
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Testing limits is normal. Running the house is not. Kids are supposed to push boundaries, but they also need parents who confidently hold them. That's what makes them feel secure.
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Your parenting is shaped by your past. How you were raised affects how you handle conflict, discipline, and respect. If you don't examine it, you'll repeat it.
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Inconsistency creates escalation. When parents give in, avoid, or explode, kids learn to push harder. Over time, this can turn into manipulative or aggressive behavior.
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Healthy authority starts with self-control. Calm, consistent, self-aware parenting is more powerful than strict rules or harsh discipline. Kids follow who you are, not just what you say.
Couple Discussion Questions
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Where do we struggle most with consistency or follow-through as parents? (Be specific about situations where you tend to give in, avoid, or overreact.)
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How did the way we were raised shape how we respond to our kids today? (Think about conflict, discipline, and handling disrespect.)
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Are we aligned in how we set and enforce boundaries? If not, where are we off? (And what's one practical change we can agree to make this week?)
Resources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/singletons/201509/the-3-types-of-parents-who-get-bullied-by-their-own-children
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Family, all in this together. |
| 0:08.2 | Family, we're taking a chance. |
| 0:10.8 | Family, like birds of a feather. |
| 0:13.3 | Family, get off my shoes and dance. |
| 0:15.4 | Hey, we are Mike and Alicia Hernin. |
| 0:17.4 | We have 10 kids and grandkids too, and we are here for every parent. Because we are on a mission to |
| 0:22.6 | empower moms and dads to embrace their sacred calling. So join the conversation. Welcome to the |
| 0:32.7 | podcast. We're glad you joined us today. You had many options for podcast today. And you chose us and we just want to thank you. |
| 0:39.2 | I want to thank you for joining us. |
| 0:41.4 | And so the question today that we want to talk about is, and we hear this from parents occasionally in really crisis situations where they feel like the inmates are running the asylum. |
| 0:51.2 | I was just thinking that. |
| 0:52.3 | I didn't know you were to say that. |
| 0:53.2 | That's so funny. |
| 0:53.6 | That the kids are running the asylum. I was just thinking that. I didn't know you were to say that. That's so funny. That the kids are running the house and, um, and parents get frustrated and don't know what to do. And, and I think that, um, you begun, and I hear this not even just in the way some parents talk about their children that it's like very um a power struggle or a combative kind of |
| 1:12.3 | role like it's us against them kind of thing you know yeah when they when they're when they're |
| 1:15.9 | what we want to talk about today is is how when the kids take over when you feel like you're no |
| 1:22.0 | longer in charge of your family yeah you're no longer in charge your household you feel maybe |
| 1:26.4 | pushed around maybe maybe maybe even unintentionally but that that you're no longer in charge your household. Do you feel maybe pushed around, maybe even |
| 1:28.4 | unintentionally, but that that you're no longer in charge. Yeah. And that can be frustrating, |
| 1:33.3 | that can be debilitating, that could, you know, lead to a lot of other challenges. And when you're |
| 1:38.8 | like, my kids just aren't listening anymore. Yeah. And that's a dilemma. And I think, and I think it's good to |
| 1:44.8 | recognize that there are some, there is some healthy pushback that children will always |
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