Alright, welcome back to Women of Impact. If you felt fired up after part 1, you're about to freaking love what comes next. Because this is where we get totally honest about all the things to get in your way. Shame, old hurts, feeling awkward, or just not even knowing what you want and what you don't want. But here's the good news. Seema and Anne, the sex educator and author and specialist in women's narratives is bringing the wisdom and the practical steps you can start to enjoy your body. Start to enjoy your relationship and your life again. Ladies, it's not freaking too late. You don't have to be stuck but you do have to take action. And so in part two, Seema and And and I go where most will never go. That's right, straight into the core of shame, trauma, age and guilt and self-reclamation. And we're diving into how to actually reclaim your body, reclaim your pleasure. And that damn fire! We ignite it so no matter what happens to you or how long you've been checked out, you have a way to spark that flame once again. We also talk about why the stuff that turns you on at 20 isn't actually supposed to work when you're 40 or 50 or 60 and how you can actually own and love that fact instead of running away from it and feeling like you're lost it like stellar. We're going to be bringing it back. That's right, we're going to talk about why you're messy, honest fantasy, life is actually a tool for freedom and how to turn towards it.

In order for you to take your power back and that power back has a knock on effect. It means you build your confidence more, you feel better about your softest, easy to set boundaries to stand up for yourself to have a voice like the knock on effect is endless. But you gotta be willing to take that shot, you gotta be willing to go for it. But if you've ever believed that it's too late for you that passion and connection is just

gone, well this is the part where we're going to prove you wrong in the best way possible of course. So let's get unpolified and energetic. Let's get free part two starts right now right here on Women of Impact where we change everything. So assuming it's like let's say a spectrum, not necessarily necessarily incessantly crazy fantasies. So you've got that, very like on the high end of actually them wanting to do it and act out. What about the other end where let's say someone shares their fantasy, how do you know if it means something about you or not? Because I think a lot of women may go, well that means that I'm not good enough. Yeah. That means that I'm not as pretty as her that he's got the fantasy for it. And so now, not only have they tried to express their fantasy, but now we've become insecure, jealous, and we think it's about us. So we've literally just brought out this podcast because this woman had written to say that her boyfriend, who she's been with for a long time, finally said to her that his real, well, it's more of a fetish than a fancy, but he's always had this thing about.

He gets very turned on by trans women and he wants to have sex with trans women and he wants to explore that and so on. And she said, look, I understand, I'm not gonna stop him if that's what he really wants to do. But he also said to her, this is what I find very exciting. But I love you.

I want to marry you. I just want to get this out of my system by doing this. And then I want us to be married. And she said, how do I know that later in life, this desire is not going to come back. How do I know that he'll not want to go back into that? Why am I not? You know, that whole. Yeah, one way or another. So I work with somebody called Dr. Anadamadhan Behal,

who is a psychosexual therapist, and she was trying to explain that actually our fantasies are literally just what we visualize as our arousal. So you think in your head that but if I have sex in this way, I can only have it with, let's say, a sex worker. If I have sex in this way, I can only do it with this person. And most of us have been conditioned to think that if I have sex with my partner who's going to be my wife and I cannot cross certain boundaries. Yes. There is a certain respect that I owe my partner, the mother of my children, or the father of my children. And we have been taught conditioned to believe that our erotic desires and our emotional stability are two different things, they're two different worlds. And so erotic desires cannot be shared with our socially acceptable partner. Well, because I think that that kind of sets off a disaster then, because it's like you must have to choose. No, you want the nurturing love and wife. Or do you want the super sexy, hot sex? Uh-huh. Exactly. And I think that it does deserve us to us women because we feel like maybe then we have to choose. Do we want to be nurturing to this guy or do we wouldn't be wild in bed? And when a guy says, but that's the mother of my child, I couldn't ask what he did. It almost opens a window for them or a door for them to go in cheap because they're like, well, how else am I supposed to get this? What is it? The Madonna or the Hall? It becomes very confusing because I have to choose. Yeah. And so many women actually consciously shrink. They choose to shrink because of social conditioning and social expectations. I remember as a younger person before we got married to the guys, I found that they couldn't actually hack it. It was too much for them. And so I learnt. They couldn't hack your wildness. Yeah. I mean, it was just too much. If I was kissing, I wanted to be kissed for the next four hours. You know, like, do it, do it. If I was making love, I wanted it going four hours. And I know how many men got frightened and run off. So you learned to be as vanilla as possible, because that's what was expected of you. So literally, you saw this reaction. And so you just thought yourself. What's up so you had to remember I grew up at the time when there was nobody else having these conversations and telling you it's okay. Yes, you are all right. So you could you learn to continue yourself. So what about women? You got to know it's a self-gust and I hate me hard. So anyone listening now then who sometimes people in their 30s are like well it's too late for me or at least they've had some bad experiences. So anywhere from like the age of 32 women in their 60s and 70s and my mom just got buried you know in her 70s to a woman like it's just amazing. But the idea of how many women worry about it's too late for me, or I've shrunk myself too much. There's no kind of coming back to that. What a couple of words that you can say to a woman that's just apparently, women have eight times the capacity for pleasure than do men, which is why in the first place, the social narrative of containing the woman seems to have been created,

because it was considered that if a woman was allowed to give rein to her desires, her pleasure, her sexuality, that she would be out of control. So it is social conditioning, it is completely social conditioning, but I know so many of my friends or my age who have got to this point where they're like, oh, thank God I'm past it. Because they're, yeah,

it's like you don't know who you're sorry, you're mid-60s, right? I'm already 60s. Yeah,

so I'm still early, 60s. I'm 60. But let's assume you're going to live to your

90s. That's just the same genetics, health, all of the good stuff. You still got 30 years. And women in the 60s are giving up.

You got 30 years. You know, it's really weird because a lot of people now, the narratives become that you hit men or boys and it's no more sex after. And I find a lot of my friends actually use that as the get out clause so that they don't ever have to have sex again. Alright, so what do you say to your friends when they say that?

I have actually stopped trying to tell many of them that they should try because I think that obviously it was not pleasurable enough for them to want it again. People seem to think that it's because women want less, it's not that. For many of us, we end up having sex in a way that doesn't make you want to have it again. So you think they've had, let's say, 25, 30 years of just crappy sex. So why the hell do you have crappy sex? Why would you want to try in like a now weak handle with your desire? Yeah. Oh, it's a good point. And literally I remember we had a sitting with a bunch of friends and we were six of us, I think, all of the same age. And four of them were going, yay, we know, you know,

it's over now, yay, almost six.

And this one other friend and me, we said to them,

why the yay, we understand you don't want it,

but why the yay?

Why so positive?

Yeah, why so?

That's real.

And then you realize that actually,

what did Shakespeare feel that my joy. Think about it. I mean, it's not how because we must be that bad. Yeah, I mean, think about let's face it for the longest and for a lot of women. Look at the way that we had sex, even if it's with a partner, even if it's casual sex, if it's with a committed partner. How many times have you had sex where you were given as much time as you wanted to come to a rouse of how often did you have sex where you had the kind of chatter and conversation that you really needed to get to that point? How many times? You know, a man will fantasise about the woman's body, certain body parts and sort of almost come pre-formed with his arousal. Venetration is where I'm at. A woman is not fantasising about how you're going to have sex, or even about his body.

Oh no, my husband says one of the biggest heart breaks is when he gets out of the shower, I look him in the eyes. Yeah, when you know you're going on a date, when you know you're going to have sex, you are thinking about how he's going to look at you. You could think about what he's going to say to me, how he's going to hold you, how he's going to flage with you. What are he's going to sort of like, you know, there's little touches?

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