Everyone fights for a relationship based on potential. In the early stages of dating, it's actually very important. People bring their past into the present. They cannot let go of the toxicity from the past relationship, from the hurt of the last relationship. And you said it earlier, right? Confirmation wise. They then go into the next relationship and it was like, oh, because let's say they're exited it. Oh, he did that. It must mean this is a toxic relationship and they bail. Like they don't give it the investment that any relationship may need because they've already written it off. Yes. There are, so what we're talking about here in a sense is, is a form of trust. How do you trust the next time round that it will be different? Right. I think that we focus on the wrong thing there. I think that we focus on... And actually, I think a lot of advice that's given gets people to focus on the wrong thing because a lot of people say, You have the trust, you know, this is a different person.

This is a different person. This is a different situation. You have to go in trusting. And it's like, it might be a different person. It might be the same person all over again. I mean, you don't know. The point is you don't know and you can't know. You can't know how someone might disrespect you, cheat on you, lie to you, betray you. You can't know. And if you can't know, reassuring someone that you can trust them, it's gonna be okay. It's pointless. Why reassure them something that you and them can't possibly know? So rather than try and control this thing that's uncontrollable, there's kind of just a dead end. It's a loop that you have to go on of reassurance. Freaking out again, reassurance, freaking out again. There's a couple of other ways of looking at it. You don't have to trust someone else if you trust yourself, that's the first thing. And by trust yourself, I mean, if a lot of people are afraid that they're gonna get into another relationship, that they're gonna get close to someone, that that person's gonna hurt them, but their experiences shown them in the past that when someone hurt them like that, they didn't necessarily have the strength to walk away. They didn't necessarily have the strength to rebuild themselves afterwards. You know, I had a woman come to me and she said, I, you know, she had children from a previous marriage and her husband cheated on her. And she said, I find it difficult to trust in the next thing. I said, but you can trust yourself far more this time, because she said, I was in that marriage 20 years. And I knew seven years ago that there were problems that this person was unfaithful. And I stayed in it year after year and it scared me off of trusting someone. I said, but you eventually left, right? You're not who you were seven years ago where you found out and then stayed for seven years. You're who you are today who actually had the strength to leave. And understanding that is the key to self trust. We've learned how to deal with certain situations. We've learned how to walk away faster. We've learned how to spot red flags in a way that our 21 year old self was far too naive to, or ignored. We know what to pay attention to these days. So it's not like we have to go around playing detective next time, or are they gonna cheat? Are they gonna do, well, they might just make peace with it in California. There might be an earthquake. You and I aren't sitting here like this just in case there's an earthquake, are we? Like at any point this could happen. No, you know, you have your procedure. Like if there's an earthquake, we're gonna stand in a certain part of the house that's the safest and now get on with life. You don't trust that someone's never gonna betray you. You just trust that you'll be able to handle it if they do. That you'll be able to walk away. That's a massive key to it. Stop worrying about whether you can trust someone else. Maybe you can't. We don't know that. Only time will tell if you can trust somebody else. That is a pointless waste of your energy to worry about. Worry only about yourself. So that's the first argument for trusting. Is that just trust you? Don't trust them. Trust you. I can walk away if I need to. There's also the standards argument for trust, which is that I'm going to trust and... You know, what happens when we don't trust is we suffocate people, we get overly jealous, we get controlling, we start playing detective in their life in a way that invades their privacy, steps over their boundaries. We start doing things that are unfair to the other person and we start damaging the relationship for a fear that hasn't necessarily

even come true yet. Now the relationship is getting damaged not because of what they're doing but because of the way we're now violating the integrity of the relationship. So you have to have a standard that says, I'm going to play my part in creating a beautiful relationship. I'm gonna give this person space enough to hang themselves, enough to betray me. I have to. That's what a great relationship is. I have to give you enough space where you can betray me, where you can do something wrong. It can't be that you only don't betray me because I'm monitoring you the whole time. Yeah, the threat of it. Right? Now, I don't know what I have if the conditions for you not betraying me are that you're under surveillance. I only know what I have if I give you complete freedom to do it and you don't. So my standard has to be, I'm going to trust not because you're never going to betray me and I know that that for sure. I'm gonna trust because that's my standard for the kind of relationship I wanna be in. God, I love that. And when you said, like, looking through the microscope and making, you know, checking everything out, if you've had a bad, a bad relationship and they've done something wrong and you wanna learn from it, right? You're like, okay, what will I do different? Let next time you've learned all these lessons,

you bring the lessons to your next relationship

and let's say your next relationship where they do one little thing that is similar to that. I think people, some people who have their defenses up are like, oh my God, there it is. I knew that I found it and they're bound. versus going, what does this mean about them?

Is this a reflection?

I need to pay attention, right?

Don't ignore it.

That would be a mistake.

But going sort of jump into conclusions, let me like play it by ear, or let me see if that actually does come into a fruition. Would you like suggest kind of testing a bit like that? I think that you have to come to them from a compassionate place as a teammate, because that, again, that has to be your standard. I'm going to come with a sense of teamwork and compassion that says, I'm not immediately going to attribute, even if my fears are screaming at me too, I'm not immediately going to attribute the worst possible intention to this. Instead I'm going to get curious about what was behind this when you did it. His heart made me feel like his, it has upset me. And you know rightly or wrongly, that's because it made me feel like you didn't care or you weren't thinking of me. And if we can do that without immediately labeling, without immediately accusing, if we can create just a little bit of space between the point at which we get curious and the point at which we've drawn all of our conclusions. That space saves relationships and the conclusions are natural. If we've been screwed over, if the last time we saw this behaviour, it was followed by realising someone was cheating on you. Then it's natural to see a little bit of it and immediately go to the same place. But I've, I mean, in all sorts of different ways, I've been made a fool of there. Where I saw someone in one relationship, do something that looked like someone, something someone did before, which usually was, you know, followed by some horrible pain, and I immediately jumped to this feeling. And then, you know, made a conclusion, our brains are, we have the super computer, but that's also dangerous, because the number of calculations and deductions that can get made in mere seconds, that can take us from someone didn't text me back to three hours to they're having an affair. Yeah and that's really where I think it ends up being detrimental to your future relationship because I mean there's so many different elements here right there's how to not get in a toxic relationship then if you are how to get out of it and respect yourself and then how to not then bring it into the future relationships. And then like you said, you can get there so fast and it really can be detrimental to the potential that this relationship could have. And that is, see, everyone fights for a relationship based on potential. It's based on what they think it could be. Even that person that, you know, but I love them. What they're fighting for is their vision of what the relationship could be. Why? Or should be. Or should be. They think. But in their mind, it's still, yeah, like it, but we love each other so much. This should be the most amazing thing ever. Well, let's look at what it is. In the early stages of dating, it's actually very important that we miss crucial opportunities to see what the relationship is if we lunge in with attacks and accusations instead of letting someone know what we're feeling and asking them kind but honest questions. We don't really see what's going on because they feel attacked, their defenses go up. What we really need to do is say I'm going to learn more about this person's intentions either because I don't feel they're trying hard enough or as much as me or because they just did something that I don't feel was very nice. I'm going to learn more about what's behind it. And that is going to provide me with information, acknowledge that there's a gap, there's a gap between where I want things to be and where they are. light the the gap in a classy and tackful way. Look at whether this person acknowledges the gap, because it's usually the sign of a toxic relationship if the gap can't even be acknowledged. What are you talking about? I'm trying just as much as you. If you're like, you're really not. I'm clearly making many more sacrifices than you are doing. Think of you way more than you think of me. Do more than you do for me. Like if you know, there really is a gap and it is not being acknowledged at all, that there is no sense of someone being able to look at themselves honestly and go, okay, you're right. If they try and make you crazy, that's the form of toxic behavior. But can they acknowledge the gap? That's the first step. Now, that's a positive sign if they can. You can work with that, right? Ah, this is actually a sign of a healthy relationship. I've brought something up. They didn't make me feel stupid for bringing it up and being vulnerable and revealing a wound. But that alone isn't enough because someone could say, I get it, you're right, I'm going to do better. And then a month from now, nothing's changed. And that's where you have to say, it's one thing that someone is acknowledging the gap, but acknowledging and being able to deliver are two very different things. And the fourth step is noticing whether the gaps being reduced. I got a question for you. Is that exactly the same analysis that you would do if you're the toxic one in the relationship. Like I can see where a lot of people blame other people. It's hard to see when you're the problem. So I think it's important to acknowledge or ask yourself the question with no blame, no judgment. I'm always about results, not about feeling badly about it. But if you're actually asking yourself, what if I'm the toxic one? Would you still break it down like that? Well, I think one of the hardest things in the world is self-awareness. And I think self-awareness about where am I, where is what I'm asking for, reasonable, and where am I being unreasonable? I'm going to push you on that because no one says I'm being unreasonable. People don't actually think about themselves. Or do you think of that? No, well, I try to really look at certain situations because I'm a very, to a fault, probably, self-reflective person. I overthink. That's my problem. I'll say something in a conversation,

and then I go away and I go,

should I have said that? I feel like I kind of overstep the mark there, and I start, you know, like I can obsess if I'm not careful. So I've had to like, I have to really mind my own obsessive qualities. What makes me very good at my job? Yeah, I do. It's also my worst denim at times.

Yeah, I'm gonna say, what is your superpower?

It's also your kryptonite.

For sure, because I'm good at seeing job. Yeah, I do. It's also my worst end of my time. Yeah, I'm going to say, what is your superpower? Is also your kryptonite? For sure, because I'm good at seeing 10 steps, 20 steps ahead. That's that's like my gift. But I when I try to be very aware of when I'm doing something, am I am I being, is this me asking too much or is this me doing something? Is me, am I asking for something unreasonable here, or is this reasonable? And I think a lot of people go through that in relationships, especially when they're with someone who's saying, you know, because a lot of people's initial defences, what you're asking for is unreasonable. Or what, I didn't do that. Like we all do it at times. we get defensive and our first port of course to try and make the other person seem like they're over reacting or it's very difficult especially when someone's making us feel like we're over reacting to get impartial and to say where is the line between me asking too much and me asking for the right amount?

Right.

And sometimes I think people don't realize they're toxic

because they're so convinced of their story.

Right, that's what I was gonna say.

It's more like a frame of reference, right?

So it's like my frame of reference

is gonna be very different from times.

...