(Matt Monday): Afraid to Ask Where It's Going? WATCH THIS
Love Life with Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey
4.8 • 2.9K Ratings
🗓️ 5 June 2023
⏱️ 12 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
When is the appropriate time to ask where a relationship is going?
If you’ve been seeing someone for a month and are sleeping together . . . can you ask then? Should you wait four months to make sure you don’t come on too strong? Or maybe you should wait for THEM to ask you? And if they don’t bring it up . . . is that a bad sign?
The truth is, we often don’t feel like we can ask because we’re afraid of the answer.
In today’s episode, I share three perspectives that can shift your mindset when it comes to discussing the future of your relationship, so you can finally break free from fear and build a relationship guided by open communication and shared values.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | I continue to put in this much effort and you just keep putting in more, then all it does |
| 0:06.1 | is reward the amount of effort that I'm putting in right now. |
| 0:10.0 | I was asked a question after four months of seeing someone, is it okay to ask the question |
| 0:35.2 | where is the relationship headed? The first point I want to make about this is that there is a |
| 0:43.1 | natural question that anyone listening to a scenario like this will ask, which is, why hasn't it come |
| 0:50.4 | up already? What's going on that you're four months in and you still don't know what it is? It suggests |
| 0:59.0 | one of two main things could have happened. The first is that this person doesn't want anything |
| 1:10.8 | and therefore is just running it down the road for as long as they can without bringing up the |
| 1:17.3 | subject and they're hoping that you won't bring it up either. Often people are quite skilled at |
| 1:23.1 | making sure that the conversation doesn't come up. By A, never mentioning it and B, if you mention it |
| 1:30.2 | or you hint at the idea that you want something more, they withdraw and go cold. That almost can |
| 1:36.1 | be like a way, I'm not even saying this is always conscious, but it's almost like a punishment for |
| 1:40.5 | having brought it up. It's like you brought up the Harry Potter Voldemort, who shall not be named. |
| 1:48.9 | Where is this going is like Voldemort in the relationship? We don't talk about where it's going |
| 1:55.0 | and if you do, you'll get punished. I'm going to withdraw attention and of course if we really want |
| 2:02.9 | somebody and they withdraw their attention because of something we did, the connection the brain |
| 2:08.2 | makes is don't do that again. So when that person lets us in again, when a couple of weeks later, |
| 2:13.8 | they start to inch closer, then we feel so rewarded for being quiet about our needs and we go, |
| 2:22.7 | I'm just going to not say that again for a while because I'm back in now and it seems to be happening |
| 2:27.8 | again. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about the whole where is this going thing and enjoy |
| 2:32.0 | the fact that it's happening on some level. And that is how we end up with a dynamic where months |
| 2:39.2 | in and sometimes even years in I get people come to me saying I don't know what to do, I don't know |
... |
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