Leave the Tortoise Alone
The Luke and Pete Show
Stak Production
4.8 • 1.9K Ratings
🗓️ 16 April 2026
⏱️ 29 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Mr Donaldson's about to turn 45 and frankly Luke is shocked he made it this far. Before the big day, though, he’s off to WrestleMania in Vegas. Fingers crossed he runs into Kash Patel.
Today’s show is an animal-heavy one, as Luke and Pete exchange stories about well-endowed donkeys and investigate recent happenings surrounding the world’s oldest land animal, Jonathan the Tortoise. The late, great Harambe gets a mention, too.
Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: hello@lukeandpeteshow.com.
The Luke and Pete Show is the sometimes ridiculous, always funny podcast with Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson: two men who have time on their hands and a good idea of how to waste it. Subscribe to get your comedy podcast fix every Monday and Thursday.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Here's the Logan Beach Show. |
| 0:06.9 | We're back again on Thursday, the 16th of April. |
| 0:09.7 | Ooh, it's my 45th birthday pretty soon. |
| 0:12.6 | Yeah. |
| 0:13.0 | That's a, that's a, that's, what, that is a big milestone. |
| 0:15.8 | There cannot be a human being alive that has met you that thought he'd made 45. |
| 0:21.3 | What can I get out of this birthday? |
| 0:25.1 | What can I say to my partner, |
| 0:27.5 | darling, I'm 45, I simply need that leg lengthening surgery I'm talking about. |
| 0:33.7 | I tell you, I went down a rabbit hole watching some of those videos after you told me about that surgery. |
| 0:39.1 | And it is fucking horrible. |
| 0:43.5 | Don't get those legs, those leg lengthened legs caught in a rabbit hole. |
| 0:44.6 | They'll snap, they're weak. |
| 0:50.1 | I'm fully prepared to accept that as a tall man, I cannot empathize enough with the situation and that people are just going through a hell that I don't know about because they're short. |
| 0:54.7 | But I cannot believe for one moment |
| 0:57.2 | that being like that is better than being short. |
| 1:02.0 | I think they, I think there, it's a bit... |
| 1:04.7 | You can't even run. |
| 1:06.1 | It's the, but I think you probably can eventually. |
| 1:08.7 | Not really. |
| 1:09.6 | You're basically run like some kind of bad guy in Resident Evil. Well, yeah, it's true. They go too far. I think you should just give yourselves a couple of inches. Just don't go for the full fucking six, seven inches. Because you just, it's all in your, it's all in your in your, um, it's all in your, |
| 1:28.6 | it's just too long in one of the, |
... |
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