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Three Bean Salad

Laundry

Three Bean Salad

Three Bean Salad

Comedy

4.82.7K Ratings

🗓️ 10 December 2025

⏱️ 59 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

How and where and why and when and if do you wash your undergarments? Presumably this is a conversation Douglas from Michigan wishes to prompt across the world as he top-loads laundry into the bean machine and sets it to lukewarm without a second thought as to whether or not Bonjo’s in the middle of boil washing his banjo britches.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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Transcript

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0:00.0

You shall go to the ball.

0:04.0

This Christmas, join Call the Midwife star Helen George, West End and Broadway sensation Charlie Stemp and the legendary Basil Brush.

0:13.0

Bob, Bob!

0:14.0

In Cinderella at Richmond Theatre, from Saturday the 6th of December to Sunday the 4th of January.

0:20.0

Book your tickets to the ball at ATG Tickets.com slash Richmond before the clock strikes midnight.

0:28.6

Bob!

0:29.3

I thought I had a stroke of genius recently, which turned out not to be a stroke of genius,

0:44.0

which means that I have to drive to Newport.

0:45.9

Oh, okay.

0:47.0

Which one, though?

0:47.7

Islewhite or Wales?

0:49.7

Wales.

0:50.4

Okay, that's doable.

0:52.2

I got a plane to Scotland last week. On the way that I was going from Bristol Airport, so I got in a taxi from my house. I went to Cardiff Central Station. Yeah. And as I was about to get on the train, I realized in my pocket I had my penknife. That I'd take everywhere, because I'm an outdoorsy man of the woods. How else you meant to eat an apple? Do you mean? How is you supposed to put up a flying shelf in the middle of a copse? Exactly. You eat an apple by whittling it into a kind of blade, with which you threaten a local baker until they agree to make you an apple strudel. That's how you eat an apple. Yeah, exactly. So I've always got a blade on me. I mean, that's obvious from my demeanor in general. You don't even need to say that people, yeah, blade, yeah, blade, blade, yeah. Ben, blade partridge. So then I looked up how long a blade can you take on a plane? I assume it's a zero, sure. The answer is zero. You can't take a blade on a plane.

2:03.2

What about a razor blade for your shaver? No, that's got to be checked in. I once got taken aside by a huge German security guard in Frankfurt Airport and given a bollicking. Too right. Because I'd taken a razor blade on a plane. Too right. If I've been traveling with you, I'd have joined in. I've been in his hype man, gleefully so.

2:00.9

I think the reason they do that, though, is because you I'd take a razor blade on a plane. Too right. If I've been travelling with you, I'd have joined in. I'd have been in his hype man, gleefully so.

2:03.4

I think the reason they'd do that, though, is because you could simply, the worry is not that you'd kill someone or hurt someone with the blades, that you'd strangle someone to death and then change your own facial hair configuration with the blade and then to be able to walk out undetected. Yeah, maybe it is that.

2:16.2

But it was weird because he was bollicking me

2:17.7

and then he said, right, are you leaving the airport here?

2:19.7

Are you connecting anywhere?

2:21.3

And I said, So walk out undetected. Exactly. Yeah, maybe it is that. But it was weird because he was bollicking me.

2:17.8

And then he said, right, are you leaving the airport here?

...

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