What up ladies, this is your girl Lisa, video here and I want to talk about something that I've

been talking to my girlfriends behind the scenes when there's no camera's around and no one to listen. Now I have a lot of friends and family members actually that are simple and all the single ladies tell me the problems that the problems are that they don't actually want to be single but they're so scared they're scared to go on a day and end up settling for someone less they're scared of being alone and yet they end up going on a day and waste their time.

They're in a relationship and end up settling for someone less. The scare to being alone and yet they end up going on a day and waste their time.

They're in a relationship and they're not happy but yet they're scared to leave because they don't know what it's going to be like starting over at their age. Or the one that I hear a lot that maybe they're scared that this person is as good as they're going to get. But my homie, oh my god that fear is exactly what is keeping us ladies start and that's

why I've got none other than my boy Jay Shetty in the house. Now if you've been living under a rock and you have no idea who Jay Shetty is then let me just tell you he's the best selling author of podcast freaking king and the man who is dedicated his life to helping people find deep fulfilling love. And he's my brother from another mother. We come from the same town in North London and the first time I met him seven years ago, we just clicked like magnets. And so today I've brought him back on to help answer and go over all the things that us ladies are struggling with. And this one is especially for all the single ladies in the house. And so today we cover the real reason why women actually settle and why we convince ourselves that's where quite and quote lucky to have what we have. This is one of the biggest flaws of why we end up in relationships that don't fulfill us. We then talk about how we can finally stop listening to the wrong people when we go to them for advice and how we can start to trust our own damn intuition. Now ladies, every time I talk about intuition on the show, you have no idea how many of you guys respond. It is something that we're talking a lot about because at least for me at the age of 45, when I was young, I was told not to trust myself, I was told not to listen to my gut instincts, I was told they little girls only speak when spoken to. So when I talk about gut intuition now it is about the superpower that we have that we haven't learned to tap into. And so Jay really does talk about how we start to cultivate our gut intuition. And then finally on this part we talk about why letting go of the wrong relationship is the only way to actually finally make space for the right one. But if you're scared to let go because you don't want to be alone or because you're fearful of being alone then he talks us through that as well. Now if you've ever doubted whether you freaking deserve more or not, if you've ever felt stuck in a cycle of relationships that never quite fulfills you, then my homie, ladies, girls, this episode is for you as a true, damn wake up call. So get ready because we are diving in right now with my boy, Mr. J. Shetty. So many women end up settling. Now not because we want to, but because we're scared. We're scared of being alone. We're scared of starting over. We're scared that maybe this is good as we can get. But that fear is actually then just keeping us stuck. So how on earth do we start making choices based on our worth? So we never settle for less than we deserve. There's three reasons that we settle. The first is we settle because the fear of being alone is greater than the pain of being with the wrong person. We settle because the suffering we understand feels safer than the happiness we haven't experienced yet. We settle because a part of us believes that familiarity is truth. And what I mean by that is when you've experienced mediocrity for long enough, you start to believe it's destiny, you start to believe that's the life that's been paved forward for you. But the deepest reason we set all, and it's something that you alluded to, is that we think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe they exist for us. And that's the most interesting part. We think there's someone better out there, but we don't believe they exist for us. And it's because we have such a limited restricted view of ourselves. I don't think it's that we have low self-esteem or poor self-esteem. That's a part of it. But the bigger part is we don't actually realize what's possible for us, what's possible by us. And that comes because we've been told to play small. We've been told to shrink. We've had people in our life relationships past X's that have made us believe that if you play within the confines of these walls, that's all you're meant to be. And so I think when I think about your question, the thing that comes to mind the most to me is, I want people to start by looking at their life as if they didn't have any of those scripts. If you didn't have that script, if you haven't heard those lines, where

would you start? And in order to do this Lisa, what's interesting is you actually have to disappear from your life. Now what I mean by that is you don't have to run away, you don't have to quit your job, you don't have to not hang out with your friends, you almost need to sometimes stop talking. I think the reason sometimes we feel we have too many opinions in our life is because we ask the wrong people the right questions. Right? We ask the right

questions like, do you think this person's right for me? Do you... Sometimes we feel we have too many opinions in our life, is because we ask the wrong people,

the right questions. Right? We ask the right questions like, do you think this person's right for me? Do you think I should be in this relationship? Do you think this is the best I can do? But we ask them to the wrong people. And it's really interesting. We ask other people questions, but we never ask ourselves those questions. And we outsource and crowdsource these major decisions in our life. So what I mean by disappearing is we have to take a step back, we have to shut our mouth,

we have to take a step back. We have to shut our mouth. We have to close off a little bit and go, am I asking the right question to the right person? Or am I asking the right question to the wrong person? Okay, so break that down even more because it's so hit me when you said we ask people's opinions and then we take that on. So like let's's just take families, because I'm with orthodox and obviously you're Indian.

So our family culture is very dominant, if you will, in dictating what we should do and how we should show up. So are you saying for instance, if we ask our parents, hey, what do you think on my partner? They're going to come from their perspective based on what they think that you need in your life. Yes, when you ask someone a question, we think their answer is a prediction of the future.

But actually, it's a projection of their values. It's a projection of their insecurities. It's a projection of what they believed was possible for them. I'll give an example. I remember a friend of mine was starting to date another girl that we knew. And when he asked all our guy friends what they thought of this girl, they all said, she's a bit dominant. She's a bit controlling. And it was really interesting because I was watching this happen. And he responded and said, I kind of like it when a woman's in charge. He said, I really like it when a woman takes the lead. And he goes, she may take the lead emotionally, but I take the lead financially. And she goes, I'm not threatened by that. I'm actually really comfortable about it. But all of my other guy friends were really uncomfortable about that. Now, does this make them wrong in him, right? No. It's just showing that we all have a different skew. We have a different priority, we have a different take.

But all of the guys were like, no, she's the worst.

Like I would never date her.

Like, don't go out with her. And he's now happily married her. And they have a great relationship. Now if he would have listened to them, because he'd thought, wait a minute, there's seven people here that I trust and respect telling me that this woman's wrong for me, he would made the wrong decision. And so I think so many of us don't actually base our

decisions on even our self-worth or our self-awareness or our self-knowledge. We base on other people's insecurities. And if you're making big decisions based on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for a big failure because you may move away from someone who's so close to being the right person for you. Oh God, that's so true. Okay. So if you assess this is their belief, this is their opinion. How do you then do your words disappear inward so that you can start to listen to your own intuition? And then what if that intuition is saying, I don't want you to be alone? Because that's the second thing. So if there's one thing listening to external, there's nothing listening to your own insecurities. Absolutely, you're spot on. And the reason why you want to get to a point where you're only hearing your voice is one voice is easier to manage than 30 voices, right? Like let's just be honest, most of us are surrounded by 30, 40, 50 opinions. So yes, when you disappear, move away from all the opinions. The way I recommend you do that is doing a 30 day opinions fast. And if 30 days is too long, try a seven day opinion fast. So for seven days, anytime you think about asking someone for their opinion, whether it's what should I wear, what should I eat, what movie should I watch, what TV shows should I watch.

For the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone. So every time you have that inkling of, let me just ask Lisa, what should I do? No, no, no, I'm going to ask myself first. I'm going to ask myself and I'm going to have the courage to make the decision and go out there anyway. So I'm gonna resist that urge to try on the outfit, take a picture, send it to a group of friends,

try on the other outfit, no, no, no, I'm just gonna make a decision. And I'm gonna see what it feels like. Let's start with really low hanging fruit. Let's not do it when we're going to like the biggest part of the year or whatever it is. Do it when you're going up for movie night, picking a dinner, picking a TV show to watch,

make it really simple do it for the simple things.

When you start doing it for the simple things,

what happens?

You start realizing there was no right outfit. You start realizing there was no right pair of earrings. All you realize is that you start trusting your own voice inside. You start trusting your choice. Or you start realizing when you could have learned a little bit,

when you could have got something better, there was something that was editable. And now you realize it's all doable, it's not life or death. So you've got to start with the small stuff. And the reason Lisa, as I start with the small stuff, is because that voice, that inner voice that you and me have, has got so quiet, it's got so weak. That's what that inner child that inner voice is like inside of us.

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