If I Were You: Swinging
Segments
Headgum
4.9 • 5.8K Ratings
🗓️ 8 April 2026
⏱️ 27 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Back to dispense some wisdom about double dates, double names, and compliment sandwiches. And yes, you can watch this entire episode on our Patreon!
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome |
| 0:05.0 | Ducoid Jews |
| 0:06.0 | Would I would do if I were you |
| 0:11.0 | If I were you |
| 0:16.0 | Welcome back to a brand spanking new episode of If I Were You. |
| 0:27.5 | Are you okay? |
| 0:28.1 | You sort of got hurt dancing. |
| 0:30.3 | I dabbed too hard. |
| 0:32.2 | Yeah. |
| 0:32.6 | Dabbed so hard. |
| 0:35.1 | Motherfuckers want to hurt my neck. Neck. Yeah. Motherfuckers want to hurt my neck. |
| 0:38.1 | Neck. |
| 0:38.4 | Yeah. |
| 0:38.9 | Motherfuckers want to tweet. |
| 0:41.6 | If you're listening to this, that means we posted the audio to our podcast feed. |
| 0:47.1 | All right, check. |
| 0:48.4 | If you're watching this, that means you're on our Patreon. |
| 0:52.1 | Double check. |
| 0:53.3 | That's what's up. That's what's up. And that's what I'm doing it for. The whole crick in the neck thing. Yeah. That was for the patron members. The next 10 visual jokes won't even be alluded to. Watch this one. Okay. I'm not even going to say what it is, but Jake's doing a pretty funny big face. Yeah. Yeah. He was doing like a thing where he like, I've never, he grabs his nose and he lifts it up. Yeah, no spoilers, but he looks like, kind of like a pig man or something. And you can only see that on Patreon. It's actually pretty unsettling. Yeah. Yeah. It's really messed up. I won't do that anymore. Try to do your eyelids, the flipping inside out of the islands. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That'd be interesting. Yeah. I feel like kids who did that always smoked weed by age 15. Like that's a gateway drug. Nerds didn't flip your eyelids. I mean, they had to deal with the chronic eyelid pain that they inflicted. |
| 1:46.3 | It was like the same thing that gets you high is what makes you want to flip your eyelids inside out. |
| 1:52.7 | I wonder what the correlation is. |
| 1:54.5 | Oh, it's a million percent. |
... |
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