Welcome back guys to part two of this incredible episode with my girl, the expert on boundaries and living. You're fulfilled non-code dependent toxic free life, Terry cold. Now if you're recovering from code dependency and starting to recognize your anxious attachment styles in past or actually in present relationships of the part one, then my girls stay tuned. So whether you need stronger boundaries with others on need to check yourself with your own boundaries then

help me this conversation is so jam-packed with gems that you're going to want a part three. So let's just dive in right now to part two with a boundary boss herself, Terry Cole on Women of Impact with me, your host Lisa Bigview. So what's the difference then in the same situations like that where some people give them the benefit of the doubt versus owner, you actually need to have the doubt here. Yes. I think again, we are taking an inventory and we are paying attention and we are being awake. We're not being seduced by their behavior to be asleep. We are awake and paying attention to what they're doing and what they're saying. That is really important. If they are, it depends on what they do and what is their behavior. If they're not following through, because we kind of switched gears into narcissism and looking into that stuff, this is really with narcissism. This is a different thing to pay attention to because you're really talking about people who can be very emotionally dangerous and incredibly charming. That's why it's called love bombing. That's what it feels like. You don't even have time to come up for air and to be like, wait a minute, how do I feel about this? Did I just plan a trip to wherever? Am I going to Paris with this person? What is happening, even though it's exciting. So what I do, I invite you, if you're in a situation like this or you've had this experience to really think about what were the red flags that you ignored? Because they are there. I promise you that even the most clever narcissist is revealing themselves in some way. But it's so, you know, we have the love hormones like pulsating through our bodies. So it's so easy to be like, I'm high on dopamine. I don't know what's going on. But you do. So I say, you don't have to be, it doesn't have to be a bummer. I'm not saying that every person who treats you well is love bombing you. Here's the thing. Someone said to me, oh, so if someone treats you great and takes you out and gives you compliments, that just means there are manipulative narcissists. I'm like, of course not. Because if they're not, that behavior will stay. My husband is the same loving. Someone might say he loves bombing me, but he doesn't because it's 25 years. He's just a lover. He's just kind. He's just thoughtful. He's just always thinking about me because that's his nature and the relationship that we have. If it doesn't end, it's not love bombing, right? The whole love bombing is only a manipulation technique that you under the person's spell, but then they become mean, judgmental, manipulative, step out on you, all these things. So if that doesn't happen, maybe they're just a super thoughtful, lovely person, but I find that a super, lovely person who's just generous and loving is not someone who feels compelled to accelerate the timeline, creating like a false sense of intimacy that has not been earned. It is unearned intimacy. If in three weeks the person's like, let's pick out our wedding venue. You're like, hello? And if you may want to go along with it because you're afraid to say, hey, it's a little

soon. And they may make you feel terrible for saying it's a little soon. I can't believe this. I thought we were on the same page. I thought you loved me. I thought, you know, you're the one. How can you be like this? You're breaking my heart. there's all of these different ways that someone can over-react when you're

trying to tap the brakes even tapping it a little. Pay attention to that. If someone overreacts like that, no. They've got some other game. There is some other manipulation technique at work right there. They're trying to get a certain amount of control over you

because you have a right to the way you feel, right? Any relationship that's highly codependent a lot of times, it's like it has to be group-thick, like we're not allowed to have our own feelings. You're allowed to say, hey, I need some time. I need to spend time with my friends. I'm doing that this weekend and expect the other person to respect it. Right, we can't be so invested in their approval that we self-abandon. Speaking of self-abandon, when as we go through all of this, I love the tactics that you're giving. You start to set the boundaries. But often I notice that within abandon are boundaries because of the the dopamine because of the excitement Like when you said they love one you say you don't have time to come up for air like that visual Really hit me because once you get caught up in that momentum That you're almost like shutting down your subconscious of actually speaking to you and when you come up up for air, you then like, oh, is this too soon?

And so that really hit me.

But in that process,

even if you've set the boundaries and you've done the work,

how do you make sure that you don't self abandon

and abandon your boundaries?

You know, it's a really good point that you bring up

because especially if you're not used to setting boundaries

or if you're not used to people respecting your boundaries There is and I'm right about this in the book about you know I have a 24 or 48 hour rule that once you set a boundary you cannot My suggestion is do not go back and take it back give yourself the time It's okay if it's new to you. You're gonna about setting a boundary. You're going to be worried about being rejected. That's okay. Go out with your friends, watch a movie, do something to distract yourself, but don't take it back because if you felt strongly enough to set it in the first place, it's probably a valid boundary request that you put out there. And when the other person says, okay, I respect your boundary blah, blah, blah. Do not say it's no big deal. Do not say, all right, just this time is fine, but for next time, do not say, I don't know, I think I was making a big deal out of nothing. These are all the ways that we can self-abandon. So you've got to get used to what it feels like to be respected. Get used to what it feels like to respect yourself because here's the thing, Lise, how we feel. What we think, what we want, how we feel. This has to be the most important thing to us. It can't be your partner how they think, what they want, how they feel. We care about those things. It's very incredibly important to me, how my husband feels. It can't be more important to me than how I feel, because this is how I can navigate my life. Honestly and truthfully is through my actual feelings. It doesn't mean I don't sometimes compromise. Of course I do in a long-term relationship

and you know this too, you and Tom do it as well. That's how we stay together. A lot of times with my husband and I, what will literally say on a scale of one to 10, what's your desire on this? If my husband says anything over seven, I'm doing whatever that is. Even if I don't feel like doing it, right? If his is a seven and I'm like,

I don't know, I don't feel like doing it,

but it's like a five.

I'll do it because it's more important to him.

But in this, I don't feel like doing it, right? If his is a seven and I'm like, I don't know, I don't feel like doing it, but it's like a five.

I'll do it because it's more important to him. But in this big scheme of life, anybody watching, anybody listening, your feelings have got to be, your feelings, thoughts, desires, what you want. That has to matter to you. And I feel like a lot of my therapy clients, They make their partners, thoughts, feelings, desires,

the most important thing, and pleasing them,

the most important thing. And I feel like a lot of my therapy clients, they make their partners

thoughts, feelings, desires, the most important thing and pleasing them, the most important thing. But in the end, that's a short game that doesn't work for a long life. Like it doesn't work for a long life. We can't do it forever because we end up really martyred. We end up really mad at the other person. We're like, I sacrifice so much for you. And you're like, but who made you do that? You chose to do that. So it's very important that we talk about these things in relationships so that you're not endlessly self-sabotaging and endlessly self-abandoning in service of the relationship because ultimately it doesn't serve anybody. You said earlier that you were codependent. So how did you work through that? To make sure that you wouldn't abandon yourself and your boundaries because you were saying in relationships it's important to be able to negotiate and to compromise and to make sure that you do want to make sure that it's about yourself, but also when you're in a partnership considering that other person. How did you actually then work through that if your inclination is to be a codependent? Well, for me, I had one really brutal relationship. That was very codependent. And it was incredibly exhausting and so emotionally distressing. And it was really pretty long. There was a number of years and I really super loved this person. So we were also madly in love. But I learned that being codependent men, I would never be free, that I could never be myself because he wanted me all to myself. And I'm such an extrovert and I knew there was something big, this is decades ago, but I knew my future was going to look like similar to what it does look like. And I knew I needed someone who was willing to share me with lots of people and who felt very secure. So how I changed it is, I broke it down in therapy to understand how did I end up in that relationship? Why did I feel responsible for that person's happiness, their actual feelings? I felt like we're my responsibility. Like if he didn't like something I was doing, I would stop doing it. I remember where we hit a tipping point in the relationship where I'd gone away with my friends and like, you know, I would be talking to him the whole time that I was away. And, you know what I mean? Like, you can't even be there because I'm worried that he's upset. Like, what's happening at home with him and the cats while I'm here? Like, not enjoying my friends and all my friends. He hated me being in that relationship because I was barely around. Anyway, when I came back, I remember we had this fight and he was like, you don't understand. I don't like it when you do whatever the thing was. And I got it and I was like, my God, you don't understand. We're two different people. You cannot like it and I can still do it. And I knew I was like, I gotta get out of this relationship. But I soon after that realization where I was like, he really thinks he has a right to tell me what I can and cannot do in this life. No, no. I gotta be the boss of me. I gotta be the only boss of me. And I really got into it and broke up, moved out. and I doubled up on my therapy, and I was like, how do I not repeat this? And I was very clear that it was having telling the truth about my preferences, my limits, and my deal breakers, early and often in relationships. When I met my husband, I was like, this is what I'm looking for. I want someone who wants to have a first house and a second house. I would love to have a little lake house somewhere.

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