What up, Mahalmi?

Okay, welcome to another Powerpacked episode of Women in One Pat with me, your host Lisa B.U. Now if you have a weak spot for your closest home, use all of your relationships in your life, like me and many of us, it can actually become really freaking easy to overlook the 100 red flags and excuse the ship behaviour, all in the name of love. Well, Mahalmi, enough is freaking enough. Now guys, we cannot be complacent with being manipulated and disrespected and to make sure that we're able to spot that manipulation and have the right boundaries in place for others and ourselves. Well, my girl Terri Cole, the boundary boss herself, is here with me today for an exciting two-part episode with so many gems you want to take notes and keep them going. Now this episode is about how to actually be your balls to the fricking balls fully express self who understands the power of your boundaries and when and how to use them in any relationship whether that's with a partner or a family member or a friend or a work colleague, it's all the same. Boundaries are boundaries and they take the confidence and the skills to actually set them and stick to them. Now make sure you check out part two of this powerful conversation tomorrow so you don't miss any other brilliant fricking strategies with the boundary boss herself, Terry Coulon. That's a romantic dresser, but it could also be a manipulation technique that can really be someone trying to get control over you. And that is definitely a red flag when dating. This is your wake up call. When it comes to matters of the heart, I think we're more susceptible to manipulation, inappropriate messaging, and just probably ignoring more of the red flags than we should. So what romantic gestures are actually just to lose? Look at flattery, right? So that's a romantic gesture. But it could also be a manipulation technique. If someone is extremely flattering to you, if they are love bombing you, We know that that is going to end at some point. So it's very hard in the beginning because we want to believe in love. We've seen all the movies. We have all of the Hollywood in our mind about how it could just be magical. But I want you to think about it this way. If it feels too good to be true, I want it apumped the breaks, and what we're really talking about is what are the romantic gestures that can really be someone trying to get control over you? If you're an empath, right? If you're a highly sensitive person, and if you're a codependent, it's hard. Texting back and forth in so much updating now is texting is such a big part of what we do that you can't see that person. So in real life, if you're an empath or a codependent, I can read your body language Lisa. I can see if you're sitting like this that maybe something's wrong, but if you're leaning forward, I can see that you're interested, the way that you're looking at me with texting, we don't have any of those nuances or any of those cues. So we're sort of just looking at it like, I'm not exactly sure what this means. And you may have someone who is sort of breadcrumbing you. This is another thing to look out for in the way of a ruse because someone who is giving you just enough attention, just enough responses. Maybe you text them and they don't reply at all for like two days. That's definitely a red flag. And then you might have a day where they're sort of just blowing up your phone with maybe their board that day or whatever it is. But the intermittent, right, reinforcement is the thing that keeps you on the hook, where they're giving you just enough attention for you to be like, okay, maybe this thing is still happening. So inconsistency is something we want to look at. And someone giving you just enough to keep you going, but then sort of being rejecting and ignoring, that is definitely a ruse for control. And that is definitely a red flag when dating. If someone is flattering you and then they follow up with some kind of an ask, so you can sort of track it in your mind when Tom was giving you a compliment. It's really not flattery. It's sincerely how he feels. It is an actual authentic compliment. Flattery has a tendency to talk about sort of fanning the flames of our ego. Right? Flattery. It's like you want me to feel a particular something. But a genuine compliment. Someone saying, you're beautiful. Someone saying, I value your brain. Someone saying, I appreciate how consistent you are. Those are actual compliments. So I think that I always can tell when someone is flattering me to butter me up for something. So that's when flattery can be a manipulation technique. So how do you look out for that is look for the follow up. If someone gives you a compliment, you're so amazing, you're so good at this, you're so good at this, would you do mine for me? Right? So that's the difference there. I think that's an important distinction. I think that with a genuine compliment, you know, you know, and I know that if Tom gives you a compliment or my husband gives me a compliment, I am going to feel a particular way, but that's not his motivation for saying the thing. If someone is wanting to use it as manipulation, the motivation for saying the thing, you're so beautiful, I appreciate you, is so that they can get you to do something for them. So you said you can feel when someone's trying to butt you up. What are the signs then that you can sense when someone's doing that? It's funny, I have a gut reaction personally to that, because I don't like to be managed by other people. It's not necessary. I don't like it. It feels very disrespectful to me. So if someone is really sort of blowing sunshine up, you know what I mean? They're blowing sunshine as they're just over the top, complimenting. I always feel suspect what you really have to do is pay attention. This is the most powerful thing is pay attention not just to what someone is saying. We're paying attention to their follow-up actions. Be mindful. If a compliment always seems to have a string attached to it, then that's more flattery for the purposes of manipulating you than it is a legitimate compliment. So what you can do if you don't want to fall into this category is pay attention. What happens after the compliment? Does that person then follow up two hours later and ask you for something? That and if that continues to happen, if you see a pattern, then you can clearly see that their use and flattery is manipulation. The truth will reveal itself in time if you're just on their mind. They'll say, oh, I saw this thing reminded me of you because you and I went to the beach that time or whatever. It will make sense. How are you? And then they wait and let you tell them how you are. That's different than someone disappearing coming back and then being like 11 o'clock at night, you up, right? What do what does someone want? Again, we're looking at the motivation. What are they asking you for? If you're in the dating world, then if it's you know, you're just out there. Your biggest protection is your boundaries. Early and often is asserting your preference early and often and paying attention to what someone does and what they say because they're two different things. People are habitual. So we look at patterns. Do they continue to follow through? That's someone who's probably, at least, at the very least, that's someone who can show up.

If it's someone who is popping back into your life like, oh, I had a dream about you, and in the dream, we reconnected, and it was so beautiful, right? They probably didn't have a dream, let's just say. And they're like, and now I'm right next to your house. You're up for company. And you know what I mean?

Again, we're looking at what do they want from you.

And it will reveal itself in time because it actually... you up for company? You know what I mean? Again, we're looking at what do they want from

you and it will reveal itself in time because an actual compliment is not followed up by a request for you to do something, right? And actual I'm thinking about you is not followed up necessarily with what can you do for me? And I think we have to be attention. A lot of. If I myself am a recovering codependent, I think that we're very used to doing things for other people. And like it's hard for us to even think that it's not normal. Like, oh, they just need a favor. Or maybe they're just in a jam. Maybe like we don't think that we're not looking at the patterns. So I always say to my therapy clients,

it's so important that you take an inventory as you said of the patterns of behavior that you're seeing.

So if somebody hits you up then and they're like, oh, I just had to dream that exact scenario

and it's 11 at night and they're like, oh, no, man, the corner. How do you, if that doesn't feel

right to you? What is a well put together response to setting that boundary there? Well, first of all, my advice would be don't let someone who has disappeared and come back into your life come over to your apartment at 11 p.m. That's my thought because that's a booty call. And unless that's what's on your heart and then hey, there's nothing wrong with sex. If that's on your heart, that's okay. My feeling is someone needs to put in slightly more effort than I had a dream about you and I'm around the corner. So what you can say, if you do like the person, but you would like to share your boundary and you don't want them to come over, is to say, what a pleasant surprise. I'm actually just, I was just actually turning off the light. So it's a little too late for me, but get in touch with me tomorrow, we can make a proper meetup plan.

We can't conclusively know their motivation. So my feeling is when you protect yourself, their motivation doesn't really matter because they can't take advantage of you. Maybe it was sincere, maybe not, but if it really was just a booty call and then they got mad that you're not letting them come over, now that tells you more about their motive. If they go, oh my gosh, you're right, it is 11.02, it is too late, but I will absolutely get in touch with you tomorrow. Maybe they're sincere. And that's great, but our job is to have our own back. our job is to go, I can count on me to not people please, myself, out of my own integrity. You know? Like, no. I am worth a proper date. You disappeared. I'd love to know why. You want to see me. You being in the proximity of my hood is not a good enough reason, dude. Come in tomorrow, set up a proper plan. You can take me out to dinner. We can discuss or not. But really having the self-respect to say no, to say that doesn't feel good, to say it doesn't work for me. I don't need to please this person. I really need to listen. It's us we have to live with until the end of time, right? You have to live with yourself. I have to live with myself. We have to be able to go. I can take care of myself. I can set my boundaries and you can do it lovingly. You could do it thirding. you could do it cute, you could do it right, it doesn't have to be mean or aggressive, you can do it with kindness. The most important thing is that we are not doing things that make us feel bad about ourselves to please someone else. Is that what people feeling taken advantage of comes from because you mentioned that early early, that really hit me. Well, the thing is a lot of times we feel taken advantage of, but what's really happening in the dynamic is that we are in our own way, serving ourselves up on a platter for people right, if you're a giver, you're gonna give, and you know who's gonna take takers,. And you know who needs to set limits is givers because takers won't. That would be like, great. More from you for me. Fantastic. So I think that at least in my therapy practice, I've seen my clients sort of feeling like this person is entitled. This person is a boundary bully or this person took advantage of me. And there's a famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote about I'm butchering it but basically nobody takes advantage of you without your permission. And that's not to quote unquote victim blame. That's not what I mean. It's actually a very empowering truth to say they don't get to take advantage of me. I don't, it doesn't need to happen a thousand times. If you feel like someone really is a taker and that the relationship is uneven and that you do a lot more than your share of the giving, that's on you. Now that's an inventory you have to do for yourself to be like, like, huh? Why do I feel like I need to over give or over function to be worthy of love? Yeah, I used to I love that you said that like not to victim blame, but it is on us because I used to do that I used to be like I was taking advantage of and It was at the time it was more of a relief to almost put it on them. And once I realized, I'm giving my power away. Like that isn't empowering at all. How do I take ownership over this? How do I say hang on a minute? I maybe saw the red flag or maybe I didn't even see the red flag and I just took that person for their word. But I don't know if I can, like why did I trust the strangers word in the first place without proof of them being able to deliver on it? And so once I started to pivot, like you said, of like actually taking ownership over a hang on a minute, no one does it without my consent. Again, not to victim blame. It was so empowering to me. Oh my God. Well, that's the whole thing. It's so depressing, feeling unempowered, feeling like this person has power over me is so depressing. And there's something that even though it's scary to change those dynamics, you really can do it. And there's something so liberating when you go, oh, it's really about me saying no.

It's about me.

When we think about boundaries, or the way that I talk about boundaries, it's about your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your do-breakers. So setting limits with people, right? It doesn't mean we're always no, no, no all the time. It doesn't have to be like that. But we have to have the ability to set limits and that scenario of someone getting in touch at 11 o'clock at night, let's say, is a perfect place to where you set a limit, meaning it's too late for me to want to welcome you into my home. And here's your alternative, right? That's what negotiating is in relationships where it isn't all black or white like either you win or I win. It can be a negotiation like, oh, you would like to come over to my house at 11 o'clock at night. I am not good with that. But I would love to hear from you tomorrow and we can make a plan to have lunch or dinner. Something that would make you feel comfortable. So that's setting a limit, which really is a powerful part of boundary setting. Yeah. And would that apply then to, let's say, breadcrumbing, that was the other one that you bought off the flattery? So with breadcrumbing, if someone's hitting you back up, how do you decipher, especially through text, because that was another thing that you said, texting is very hard to know what they mean and what they don't mean, what is sincere, what's not sincere, what's actually a genuine compliment versus a flattery to get something. So how do you start to look at texting and let's use a breadcrumbs as the example? Well, first of all, the second someone is not getting back to you, that's a red flag. Unless that feels good to you.

Because I'm going to say I know it doesn't. Now, everyone has a different idea of what it means to get right back to someone. So yours might be, maybe you're on your phone a lot, and maybe yours is like instantaneous reply is what you're expecting. Or maybe you're anxious, maybe you're anxiously attached. And so that waiting is like, Oh, creates anxiety for you.

I understand that.

Other people, they may be let,

maybe they don't text throughout the day because of work. And maybe they get back to people at night. This is where effective communication comes in. So I have an expectation. And I will have this conversation with anyone, whether it's business, whether it's, there's an expectation that you will get back to me because your time is not more important than mine. And so I feel like, especially women in particular feel, I don't wanna be a nag, I don't wanna be perceived as being like extra and like too much. In needy, oh my God, how much women do not want to feel like they're being needy and that feels like we're trying to kind of be the cool girls to a degree. But I think that communication boundaries are really important and to have the conversation, right? Even when you start, if you don't hear back from someone for days after you've been, let's just say this is because this is what breadcrumbing really is. They'll be communication, they'll be no communication. They'll be like, we should get together, but then no follow-up to get together. So again, it's like dangling a carrot of like, this could be something great, yet, or maybe it's nothing at all. We have no idea. So there has to be a conversation. That's how you can not feel victimized in that situation. And a lot of my clients will say, but then I'm afraid they're going to not want to, you know, then they're going to like break up with me basically or not want to date me anymore. And I always say, listen, if you having a clarifying conversation with someone about communication, makes them run for the hills, they're so not ready for a relationship, they're going to run for the hills anyway. You're just making it happen sooner and not wasting your youth and your beauty on this person who's really never going to turn it into anything. And so how do you, what's the busy, Harry? What if they're just busy? And in that moment, they really do mean that they want to get together with you and work calls and the stress and maybe there's someone who actually can't handle stress well. And so the only way they can handle stress is to not text you back. I say people do what they really want to do. That's what I say, because it's the truth. If you're lit up about someone, even if you're busy as heck, even if you're overwhelmed, you'll get a burly. You'll find a way. You will take a break at lunch. You'll go into the bathroom and be like, hey, thinking about you, I'm super slammed, but just hope you're having a great day. It takes literally three seconds. So really, when you think about someone who's sort of ghosting you intermittently, right, in between, there is something specific going on. So if someone is super busy, listen, we get busy. This is life. Some people can make mistakes. They can say, I'll call you and then they can forget or they fall asleep. I mean, I'm not saying real life doesn't happen. But there's

a way to communicate, hey, I'm so sorry. I said I'd call you last night. I had such a long week. I literally fell asleep at seven o'clock and I woke up at 11 and thought it was too late to call, deeply apologize, right?

There's a way.

So I think that what we don't want to do

is get into a situation where our desires, our needs, don't matter where we are organizing and sort of wrapping ourselves around the desires, needs, wants, reality of someone else, which is what happens especially if you are a codependent, you let the other person lead for how it's going to be. But that doesn't actually work ultimately because in the end, you'll be mad. You'll feel underappreciated. You will be underappreciated. So there has to be a mutuality of even in the beginning of the getting to know each other, where what kind of a communicator are you? So I could perfectly legitimate. Do you like texting or are you more of a phone person? Do you like throughout the day? I'm more of a person after work is better for me. Like you tell them we set people up to succeed by telling them our preferences, our limits, our deal breakers before they're traveling all over our boundaries. And so if they start to trample over our boundaries in those thoughts situations, how do you start to address that? I think early and often, if the person says, I'm gonna call you on Friday and they don't, and let's say maybe they didn't fall asleep and they didn't acknowledge it, but they just didn't do it. The next time we talk, you have a choice. They can go, oh, hey babe, how was your weekend? And either you play along with their non-reality. You pretend, they pretend, they pretended, they never said they'd call you on Friday. You pretend with them because you're so afraid of conflict or so afraid of confrontation or you're so afraid of being rejected. or you say, hey, I thought it was going to hear from you on Friday and when I did and I thought you just had a flaky moment. I thought you must have been, maybe you had a rough week or something to acknowledge the fact that you expect people to do what they say they're going to do. I mean, that is if you do what you say you're going to do, right? So I would let people know, right? Like, and it doesn't have to be a huge case, right? It doesn't have to be a horrible thing. It can be the truth. Hey, when I didn't hear from you on Friday, I just figured you had a crazy week. I had it actually had a great weekend. I ended up not being home on Friday, whatever your thing is. But you're saying, hey, there, you said you would call me, and you didn't. Here's the thing, man, you don't have to say you're going to call me. You don't have to call me, but don't say you're going to, if you're not, expect people to do what what they say, they're gonna do. And do you suggest I love that breakdown? You're so freaking practical, it's amazing. To make those statements or my natural inclination is just to ask questions like, oh, how come you didn't call? But I do worry sometimes that I end up becoming more of, not the manipulator, but like the passive aggressive one that's asking questions, but really I'm showing that I'm annoyed. Yes. And here's the thing. I say, don't do that because the bottom line is, you're not really curious why they didn't call. You want to point out, hey, just so we're on the same page, you said, you'd call on Friday, I'm pointing out that you didn't. And we can do it in a non-super aggressive way, exactly, but you have to say it. Like, it's funny. Sometimes people will make up excuses for you. Oh, it just assumed you got caught up. And actually Matthew Hussie is the one who had this great, he had a great sort of text response. It's like someone that you're only dating like a little bit hits you up at 11 o'clock at night

and is like, hey, I'm in your hood.

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