“I Learned Forgiveness by Refusing to Forgive” with Tara Howley and Alexa Kistler

The Art of Accomplishment

Brett Kistler

Management, Mental Health, Personal Development, Education, Self-improvement, Business, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 269 Ratings

🗓️ 27 February 2026

⏱️ 31 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Forgiveness is one of the most charged words in our culture. For many of us, it was coerced out of us as children or held up as something good people do. But what if forgiveness isn't about being good or letting someone off the hook? In this episode, Alexa Kistler and Tara Howley reframe forgiveness as an act of self-care, a way to reopen your heart without abandoning your boundaries. They discuss: - Why coerced forgiveness misses the point - Forgiveness as a three-step process: emotions, curiosity, and boundaries - How boundaries make forgiveness possible - The difference between forgiving someone and wanting to be around them - What it means to forgive yourself - Holding forgiveness as sacred without making it an obligation

Transcript

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0:00.0	A good person forgives. When I say, fuck that. Nobody should have to forgive. It's not for someone else.
0:05.9	It's not to look good in society. Forgiveness is inherently an act of self-care.
0:11.0	That is a very different image of what forgiveness is than what I was taught as a child.
0:18.8	I do think forgiveness is like a three-step process. And usually once you
0:22.8	have the curiosity, the emotional processing, and those clear boundaries, forgiveness is an
0:28.9	inevitable byproduct. Hi, welcome to the art of accomplishment, where we explore living the lives we want with enjoyment and ease.
0:41.0	I'm Alexa Kisler, and I'm here with Tara Howley.
0:44.1	Alexa.
0:45.0	Hi.
0:46.2	I just had a session with a client yesterday where I kind of, I was listening to what he was saying, and I was like, oh, sounds like it would be
0:56.5	great to forgive yourself. And I watched his whole body go rigid and sit back. And it made me
1:06.6	realize forgiveness, it's such a powerful thing, but it can be so charged in our culture.
1:14.5	So I thought maybe we could talk about forgiveness.
1:18.8	How's that feel?
1:20.0	Awesome.
1:20.7	Yeah.
1:21.6	And so charged, right?
1:22.6	So many, as a parent, I watch kids, other parents force their kid up in front of someone and say,
1:28.5	say, I'm sorry.
1:29.8	And the kid's like, I'm sorry.
1:32.4	Right.
1:33.0	They're not really.
	...

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