Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I have yet another incredibly thoughtful,

caring letter from a parent. Her subject line is, when does a boundary become shame? But the question

she brings up are also about how to get on the

same page with a partner who's doing it a little bit differently, how to set boundaries effectively,

and also how to understand why a child might be acting out, for lack of a better term,

with one parent more than the other.

What is it in children that makes them seem to have more impulsive behavior around us?

So I'm going to dive right into her note and then start detecting and exploring what's going on here.

Dear Janet, thank you for all your work. I've been listening to your podcast ardently,

and it has honestly been so refreshing and help me understand my approach to raising my three-year-old son. I have a specific question about nuanced differences in the approach my

partner and I take to our son's behavior.

We are very much on the same page about taking a respectful approach with him, treating him

as a whole person with his own thoughts and feelings, allowing those feelings while also

holding boundaries around behaviors that are or aren't okay. On the whole, I feel my son is quite mature and understanding,

and when he's in the right frame of mind, we can usually speak to him reasonably about things like

not putting shoes on the sofa, being gentle with houseplants, not throwing things or toys, etc.

My question is specifically about moments when he seems more

dysregulated. For example, he might suddenly throw a fork from the table or start plucking flowers

from a plant while otherwise playing happily. My instinct in these moments is to intervene gently and

calmly without rushing or escalating.

I'll physically help him stop if needed and say something like,

I can't let you do that or I'm going to help you here.

...