It's got to be fiction, but unfortunately maybe it's true.

But in those rooms you have cameras in the strangest places.

Well, what I'm saying with a hundred percent certainty is that they were working to undermine

the Magnitsky Act.

You better be careful, or you'll be watching yourself on nightly television.

Hello and welcome to Trumpcast.

I'm Virginia Heffernan.

So sometimes I feel like the president checked into the highest office in the land and intends

to saturate the mattress of America with urine before he has to check out at noon.

I'm sorry, that's gross, but you know what I'm talking about?

Trump is allegedly, allegedly, allegedly by very disreputable and unsubstantiated documents

allegedly, supposed to like so-called golden showers watching women pee.

And this is usually called lude or lascivious behavior because that's the tactful way to

refer to urine events that are somehow also sexual.

But it just occurred to me that we could just say golden showers.

I mean, that's what the phrase is for.

It classes all this stuff up, golden showers.

It sounds kind of unicorn-y and narnian.

Oh my God, I'm going insane.

Okay.

So the president has brought up the so-called steel dossier yet again.

And you know, if there was a steel dossier on me, I'd probably steer the conversation away

...