Alright my homies, now I have to tell you, today's topic may be a little bit of a nerve, but I promise you by the end of this episode you'll know exactly what to do and what to say to shut down either your toxic ex, your future toxic ex, or any toxic people that actually make it in your way that are actually trying to hurt you. Now instead of complaining about how toxic they are and just labeling them, my guest, Mario bouquet, who went through a two-year grieving process after escaping a very toxic relationship herself, is joining me to help you escape these vicious, fricking cycles of immunipulation and gaslighting. From recognising the signs, to standing up for yourself without actually spiraling out of control, we're tackling it all in this two-part conversation. So get ready as Mario explains exactly how to slam the freaking door on toxic character assassin and we're making sure that if someone is twisting your truth to keep you under control, under their thumb, then you'll have a game plan on not only how to swipe back but how to stand and and absolutely take your power back. Mahomi I know that you're here to gain that confidence to be a freaking badass but it takes time, it takes skill, it takes practice. If those people around you actually refuse to change then you have the option to actually start changing yourself and walk out the damn door. So ready to to kick some toxic ass and find it authentic for yourself? Let's go. Right now, women have impact. Any one of us can be victimized by someone who's a manipulator, but most often than not, they seek out their prey. We have to talk about patterns then. Very like if a person is gaslighting you, if a person is trying to isolate you or not take accountability or lying chronically. All of those are toxic qualities. Many times when people are being manipulated, they can transition into feeling like they're the ones to blame, but their behavior is never your fault. Most of them, they're trying some sort of tactic to get you under their control and they're usually relentless. And so it's It's be really critical, you know, for you to... You left me speechless without one go. Dr. Mary Elbukay. Mary Elbukay. Mary Elbukay. Licensed trauma psychologist in Columbia University professor. I've had an experience where I was engaged and through my entire engagement I broke out in high. My entire body was saying, no, this is not the one. And as soon as I took off my engagement ring, the highs went away. Oh, so you didn't realize that was the reason?

No. But I knew that this person made me feel uneasy. I wish I had that insight, that wisdom that I hold now to say no way. We may have people in our lives that can be toxic, whether that's a romantic partner or someone that we work with or a family member or even just a friend. And so what I want to know is what are the tactics manipulators use in order to take our power away and what are the things that we can do to really stand up for ourselves? can be hoing. So whenever a person is feeling like you're not at their grasp, they try to hoover you back in and hoover like the vacuum. It means that they're trying to suck you back into their lives in order to actually get you back into the flow of their manipulation. So hoovering is a big one. Brett Crumming is another one. And what that is, a person actually like leaving little messages or little gifts or anything that can actually get you to actually connect with them and say, oh, hey, I got your flowers, right? And so all of a sudden, now you're in their grasp again. And they can either give you some love or they can distance themselves away. And usually they do both because the breadcrumbing is really just to get you there and then they can do whatever it is that they desire to do and typically it looks like that. So what happens in those moments when you maybe somebody,

you're feeling that maybe they're breadcrumbing you, but let's say they sent you flowers and then they're just really busy. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I want to make sure that when we talk about these sorts of things that we can kind of see both sides of it, where it's like you may have someone that is actually very busy, but they still really like you. They didn't really mean to do whatever that made you guys split up or you know whatever the circumstances is

And so they do the things but they're really like you. They didn't really mean to do whatever that made you go split up or whatever the circumstances is. And so they do the things, but they're not able to be with you all the time and be totally attentive. How do you differentiate the two? And then if you do then realize it is breadcrumbing, how do you address it? Well, we have to talk about patterns then. Like, whenever if a person just does one thing and you've never seen them do that ever, right? Like it's not necessarily that they're becoming or they're hoovering or they're they're maybe gaslighting, right? But not not really aware, but it may not be like a personality trait of theirs or like a weight in which they engage in relationships with you. And they may be trying to manipulate you. Many times whenever we're talking about manipulation strategies, the person that is the manipulator is engaging in these strategies on an ongoing basis. Like most often they're actually trying some sort of tactic to get you under their control and they're usually relentless. So you'll You'll be able to notice whenever that's happening versus somebody is like incredibly busy and just didn't have the time to follow up. So it becomes pretty evident. And I think most people also really feel it in their gut. Like this person does not feel good to me. Many of us don't know how to tune into that gut feeling. And so we oftentimes ignore it and we try to give people the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, right? But if you see that a person is continuously engaging in these tactics, then you have to see it for what it is. And so when you see it for what it is, how do you respond? Do you address it or do you suggest just walking away? I suggest addressing it first because you're there for a reason like you may be attracted to that person or this maybe like a colleague or a Business partner that you really appreciate right like there may be a relationship that's already there that's formed around something else right and so addressing it and seeing how that person responds is always like that first go to that we should all do, right? Like do give them the benefit of the doubt. But if you see that there's a pattern, address the fact that there's a pattern and that you're hoping that they could help you to see changed behavior and not offer you empty promises, give them a grace period in which they can actually engage in that change behavior. And if it doesn't happen in that time, then you have a decision to make. Do I leave a do I say? Yeah. Okay. And so what's another tactic? Some of the major manipulation tactics are obviously gaslighting, which is for anybody who isn't familiar, just the ways in which somebody might actually manipulate the truth and make us feel as though our rendition of an event is not real. And so typically, whenever they feel like they need to control us or gain power over us or not necessarily allow us to live in our truth, they start questioning our rendition of the event or what happened. If somebody says, well, you know, I did take out the trash, like, are you crazy? Are you not realizing like that? I'm actually doing the things that you're telling me. And so if somebody says that to me, I'll think like, wait, did they take out the trash? Like, did I not remember? So now I'm questioning myself and I'm confused and I'm wondering if what I believe to be true is actually true or if it's something that I made up. And typically the follow-up is you're just making it up or you don't know what happened, right? And so that's the way in which a person tries to like nod at your rendition of the events and your perception of reality and it makes you question how you're perceiving your own life It's incredibly disempowering and it can happen with the slightest tiniest thing like what I mentioned or it can happen with like bigger things and the M.I. going crazy is like that very first Q for any of us to understand like wait, this person is actually making me feel like I'm going crazy. People can't make you anything, but when it comes to gas lighting, I really do believe people can push you over the edge and really make you feel like you are not really in the same reality that they're in. And truly you're not, right? Another thing that people start to internalize as far as like, you know, the types of questions that come up or did what happened actually happen? And that's really tricky because now, like, you actually lived that experience. You were there. You didn't see the garbage being taken out. You didn't see that person actually turn in that project. You know, like, you know the truth of what happened, but now you're questioning the validity of your own truth. And that can be really tricky. Another thing that can happen is that a person can start wondering if they themselves are a bad person. And I think that that's when it gets into really treacherous waters. Like when you start wondering if you, yourself, or someone of worth and value, then we have to really start getting you out of whatever connection you have with that person that is actually making you question your own word. It can get really bad whenever we're like entangled with anybody or in a situation with someone where gaslighting happens

frequently.

And that I think is one of the biggest consequences

of continuous manipulation and gaslighting tactics

for us to lose ourselves in it.

I think about, as you were talking,

like especially in relationships,

because you said something was like,

we start to think like, maybe it's not them, it's me.

But I think maybe even the worst thing

is where you don't even realize,

or even recognize that it could be them.

You just go immediately inwards. And if you're in a relationship, let's say you don't trust your partner, or you're seeing signs that maybe you don't trust them. And now your partner turns around to you and they say, why are you being so jealous? You're insecure, I'm not doing anything wrong. How did in those moments do you start to piece apart?

What is true?

What is actually fat?

What isn't true?

And then how do you start to respond to things like that? Well, you have to first take a step back, right? Like, and this is mentally, and even physically, if that helps. But you have to actually question whether or not you are indeed realizing what is happening, right? Like, am I, am I like being warped into some like vicious cycle here? Or is this something that, you know, I need to interact with? Like, you have to wonder about that. So in a moment like that, like, it's going to be really helpful for you to be able to say, is my rendition of what happened real? Do I really trust this person? Do I really feel comfortable here? Do I believe that they're like cheating on me? Or is this something that is just fear-based? And I just like leaning into my fear. So you have to start questioning that. But if a person is telling you that, it can be helpful to just say, no, actually that's not how I remember the event. I actually remember it very differently. And this is how I'm experiencing you right now. And for you to really take that step back and acknowledge what is happening. And then when you come back and you say what you need to say, it's with a firm, firm tone. You gotta think about what's happening in that moment. Like you're being controlled, you're being taken into a cycle where that person has power over you. So if that's the case, then you're being, you know, like your entire being is feeling weakened and debilitated. And so if that's the case, you're not going to have the confidence and the power to actually stand up for yourself, which is why it's so important also to actually catch these things early on. Because when we're in these cycles for an extended period of time and you're like in it with a person for years, it can get really hard to really get your bearings and like get your power back. It's not impossible, but it can be really, really hard because you're already like in that very profound and continuous and chronic disempowered state. So part of the reason why it's so hard for us to talk is because of that. So I love doing it early and I think your idea of, you know, whether it's actually not how I remember it, I think that's easier to say earlier on in a relationship, but when you've been really immersed and you've been together for a long time and they've been gaslighting you for

let's say years and years and years, if you just come all of a sudden and be like that isn't how it happens. Like I can see that could especially if you're with someone that's very toxic that can actually be more turp you know or am I mistaken and then so how would you then handle it if you've been in that relationship for a while? What are the first steps because I'm assuming people don't speak up because they don't have the confidence yet to do so.

So what do those steps look like in order to speak up, address the gaslighting, and then ideally, I don't want to say leave, but ideally either fix the problem or know that it's not you, it's them. Well, it's never, it's never you. Like I think that that's something that's really important for us to like just highlight because many times when people are being manipulated, that's something that can happen with a transition into feeling like they're the ones that are at fault, they're the ones to blame, they're the ones causing all the issues, many times what they hear people saying or what they hear the other person saying is you're being so dramatic, you're being sensitive. So they start internalizing that idea of themselves, well, I'm dramatic, I'm sensitive, right? And so it can get really tricky. So what we need to do in that moment is like, refine ourselves, right? Like any person that is already in that entangle me for an extended period of time needs to find their way into their authentic self again. And when they find themselves and they know their own truth, it's going to be a lot easier to express that truth. Many times we can't do it in the very same places that are toxic in the very same relationships that are toxic. Many times it's not going to be possible because that person is not going to be able to actually take accountability and say, you know what? Yeah, I've actually made a mistake. It's actually my fault. We may never hear that. We may never actually get any kind of, I'm sorry, any kind of validation for our experiences. And so what we need to do is move on and then find ourselves yet again. But if anybody wants to do that in the relationship, it is possible. It's possible through self-reflection, through journaling, through really being more attuned with yourself and going into your body and thinking, what am I feeling right now? Like how is my body taking in this person? Like does this person feel safe to me? Does this person feel like, you know, like he builds or she or they build a lot of tension within me? And if that is the case, then my body is probably signaling to me that this person is toxic for me because my body is literally feeling like there's a toxin inside of me. And so in that moment, you know, it can be helpful to just reflect upon like how you feel around that person and how you desire to feel, how you want to, you know, engage in your relationships. Is it in the ways that you're seeing with this person or would you rather something that's a lot healthier? And if it's someone like a parent or something, because it's gonna be harder, I assume, right? Like if you're in a relationship with somebody, you have hopefully the choice to be able to leave. And when it's family, I think it makes it even harder. And so you end up like a Christmas time or Thanksgiving and now you're in their presence, they're potentially gaslighting you, how do you do you suggest to still do the exact process that you've broke down? Well you know whenever we have people in our lives that we understand we cannot change the goal is to change ourselves, the goal is to actually transition into a person that can actually feel more settled around the very same people. Like some of us still want to be in these families. We still want to engage with family members that actually have toxic qualities, but we love them still or we still want to go to, you know, holiday dinner and like be able to like partake in the holidays in the holidays. If we're going into those spaces with the same mindset, going into those spaces, actually continuing to do the very same things that we used to do, like if they yell at us, we yell back, and you're just keeping the cycle going. You're not actually disrupting and breaking yourself away from it. So in those moments the best thing that we can do is actually help ourselves to remain calm so that we don't feed into that because feeding into it is only going to leave us more hurt in the end. Yeah, that's so true. So talking about feeding into it, I want to get like a little practical, let's go down the rabbit hole of assuming that you're with somebody and they're acting in a way that you feel like is a little suspicious, right? So maybe they're texting somebody, maybe they've been, and you start to address it and go back to what you said earlier about how they're going to be like, well, you're being dramatic. So in that moment, when someone, it may be not being dramatic at all and you're just pinpointing, hey, maybe you shouldn't be texting that person. And they call you dramatic.

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