Ladies and gentlemen, want you, please, politely cop a squat. Welcome to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, everybody. Let's get right to the big story. Everybody's talking about tonight. It's my dog, Benny's birthday.

Benny is three. He's three today, which is 21 in dog years, which means he can now legally drink.

So, I'm going to have to stop letting him drive. Seems like it was just yesterday that we met Benny. Here's footage of him just days old, and I want to warn you, if you have small children in the room, let them watch.

Because this is pretty, this is pretty cute. Why can't they stay puppies forever, or ever stop eating the furniture?

At a celebrate, I had a cake made for Benny. Evie and I wanted it to be something he loved, so it shaped like a stranger's crotch.

Happy birthday, buddy. Daddy loves you. Now, Ben might want to stay inside today because it is hot here in the city, but nothing, nothing compared to what's happening across the pond in the UK where today they had a record high of 40.3 degrees Celsius, which in Fahrenheit comes out to hold on one second.

And it's 40.3 times nine divided by five, carry the Cadbury, plus or minus Mary Poppins, multiplied by Mint Jelly, and that is five shillings and a Christmas goose.

There you go. I can never make this.

With that one, I don't know. I don't know.

The heat's hitting the brits extra hard because the brits aren't used to extreme weather, and the houses over there, especially older ones, were built to retain warmth.

Luckily, brits can keep cool with their light and refreshing cuisine of potted organ meat, battered fish, and room temperature beer.

As a result, the heat waves brought the UK to a halt. Trains slowed to a crawl, the British Museum closed, and Buckingham Palace curtailed the changing of the guard, and the cast iron chains and pedestals of the Hammersmith bridge were wrapped in reflective foil to shield them from the sun.

On the bright side, that bridge is going to have amazing highlights.

Now, is that anything new? What have you done? You look fantastic.

Now, since people with pale skin and red hair are more sensitive to sunburn, one theater chain is offering Britain's redheads free movie tickets to Dodge Extreme Heat.

Though, of course, the best way for British redheads to dodge extreme heat is moving to America.

To beat the heat, the government's issuing helpful tips like wear suitable headwear, slow down when it's hot, and at home, wear as little clothing as necessary.

But please, please, be careful near the stove. You don't want to accidentally burn your bangers and mash.

And end up with spotted dick. But it's not just...

Why not? Why not? It's a dessert, right? It's a dessert.

Okay. It's not just Europe, because over 100 million people in the US are under heat alerts.

In fact, this week nearly 20% of the US population will likely see a temperature at or above 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

...