How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood in Joan Baez's face?

I've read Mark Twain. I've read Huckleberry Finn.

I think I earned the right to go out of the internet and see a guy get a chainsaw on the face.

Dude, my dad was drunk and my mom was dealing with it.

Guess what?

I get raised by a cookie monster.

My con looks like it's been in a hockey flight.

Time my stupidity.

It's at the speed of goddamn light.

I got a bunch of the clocks. Hey, what's happened? I'm like Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast. There's something on my desk making a noise and I can't figure out what it is and it's driving me fucking

crazy. See if you can hear it. Of course you can't. Why could you hear it? I mean, it was doing it a second ago. It's like,

you know how you hit those little springy things that are on your wall that nobody knows what

the fuck they're for supposed to be a doorstop, but not really that, you know, like that fucking

thing. Well, there's something on my desk making that like, like, but not so springy,

more like if you had a crooked quarter or a warped quarter.

Oh, fuck. Why is that so early in the show? That'd be a good name for the show. Warped quarter. Um,

if you had a warped quarter, let it. Warped quarter, you got to hit all the ars in that, right? You got to hit warped. You can't just say warped quarter, Kada. You can't do that nonsense. You got to hit your R's.

All right, let me ask you this.

When you talk about the Jacksonville football team, what do you call them?

Some people call them Jaguars.

Someone call them Jaguars.

But I call them, they are the Jacksonville Jaguars.

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