How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood and Joan Baez's face? Dude, I'm so funny I had murdered an Epiglottis.

Let's round him a faceless and get some pajamas.

Dude, I didn't know my head was a bank.

That's fucking awesome.

I want to eat so many ducy rolls.

I just shit a tire.

I jerked off in this towel so much.

It might be a surfboard.

Mr. Schmidt is an entertainer.

Got it cool.

Hey, what's happening in Mike Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast?

No apple this week.

I'm furious at myself.

I forgot to get fruit.

And that, you know, that can be the story of any week.

That's actually the title of my autobiography.

I'm not going to lie to you. He forgot to get fruit, the Mike Schmidt story.

You would think a nice juicy orange or perhaps a pomegranate with some crunchy seeds would bring me

into the realm of being able to the podcast properly. Because as I told to our friend Brian said,

hey, bite into a green apple and everything's going to be fine. And he just meant that about life,

not even about fucking podcasting. He's like, dude, bite into a green apple and everything's going to be fine.

And then some of you people were very nice, and you wrote me and said, well, no, Golden

...