Episode 511 - Dick on Imaginary Corporal Punishment
The Dick Show
Dick Masterson
4.7 • 1.3K Ratings
🗓️ 1 June 2026
⏱️ 112 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Hasan is going to prison, America's crappy 250th birthday, two moving trucks crash in the same spot, clocks, a fat woman is shot down by Hamas drones, suburban Hell, women don't actually read books, trans lawsuits, and when to beat your kids; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | I'm done with having a baby. |
| 0:03.2 | I want a toddler already. |
| 0:07.6 | The baby stuff. |
| 0:09.3 | This baby stuff is for the birds. |
| 0:12.1 | I need my ass. |
| 0:13.8 | My ass needs a toddler. |
| 0:15.9 | No more this infant shit. |
| 0:18.5 | Literally and figuratively. |
| 0:20.5 | My wife texts me. Donnie shit all over the figuratively, my wife texts me, |
| 0:22.4 | Donnie shit all over the car. |
| 0:24.3 | And my thought is awesome, awesome, |
| 0:26.8 | because that means he pooped finally. |
| 0:30.0 | Every day I just wake up praying to God, |
| 0:32.6 | but he shits. |
| 0:34.1 | There's a big shit waiting for me at some point in the day i'm fucking checking the |
| 0:39.4 | diaper like it's a lottery ticket oh another skid mark you piece of shit why can't you shit like |
| 0:44.6 | your old man huh why can't you shit like your old man i want to see a big dump in there big old beer |
| 0:51.8 | shit i want to see a big old beer shit. My idiot wife. |
| 0:57.4 | When he shits a dinosaur egg. I'm like, that's not how shit's supposed to look. Something's |
| 1:01.6 | wrong. And she goes, that's how poop's supposed to look. It doesn't, it doesn't supposed to look |
| 1:05.0 | like yours. What the fuck does that supposed to mean? It's not supposed to look like mean it's not supposed to look like |
| 1:12.6 | it's not supposed to smell like |
... |
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