Episode 362: "Why Didn't I Leave Sooner?" Because you were becoming the person who could.

The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

Kate Anthony

Relationships, Education, Self-improvement, Society & Culture

4.4 • 573 Ratings

🗓️ 26 March 2026

⏱️ 20 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

The question I hear more than almost any other, from clients, from women inside Phoenix Rising, and from my community is: "Why didn't I leave sooner?" Perhaps it's an inner voice that nudges. It sounds like you, but it's partially your friends, your family, maybe your attorney or it's cultural. That voice asks, "If it was so bad, why did she stay?" or "You should have known better."

But here's what I want you to hear: waiting to leave is not a failure and leaving is not defined by a single moment. It's a process. You didn't fail to leave sooner, you were in the process of leaving. You were in the process of becoming the woman who could.

In this episode I talk about what that process actually looks like and why the timeline you're judging yourself for may be exactly what made exiting your marriage possible. I get into how hope keeps women in relationships longer than almost anything else, and why that's not a weakness. I also explore why doing this self-work inside a community of women who get it, is exponentially more powerful than going through it alone.

The goal isn't just to get out, it is to build something different on the other side. That's exactly what you're doing.

What you'll hear about in this episode:

How leaving starts as a whisper and why staying at that point actually feels like the more responsible choice
Those practical realities like "where will I live?" or "what happens to the kids?", aren't about being stuck. They're about assessing risk.
Leaving requires a version of you that doesn't exist yet, and becoming that person takes time
How to reframe the question from "why didn't I leave sooner" to "what was I learning?"
Why leaving before you're ready can actually prolong the cycle and how the timing, even when it feels late, is often exactly what you needed

✨ If you'd like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here

Resources & Links:

Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate's Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

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Episode link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-362-why-didnt-i-leave-sooner-because-you-were-becoming-the-person-who-could/

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	I want you to consider this. What if the timeline you're judging is the timeline that made
0:05.7	your leaving possible? What if all of it, the delays, the doubts, the attempts to make it work
0:10.3	was part of what got you to a place where you could finally say, I'm done, and mean it.
0:19.5	Welcome to the Divorce Survival Guide podcast, where we have open and honest conversations about co-parenting, separation, divorce, and the hardest question of all, should you stay or should you go.
0:33.3	I'm Kate Anthony, your divorce survival guide, and I'm here to help you navigate some of the
0:39.1	roughest waters you've ever swum in and answer some of your toughest questions.
0:44.1	I've been to hell and back, and now it's my mission in life to help you get to the other
0:49.6	side of this process with your sanity and your heart intact.
0:59.0	Okay, guys, I want to talk about something that I hear from you guys really often, from my
1:06.2	clients, from my group, Women in Phoenix Rising, and that is beating yourself up for not having left
1:15.2	sooner. This is a question that lives in so many women's heads. Why didn't I leave sooner? Why did I
1:21.6	stay so long? Oh my God, why did I tolerate that? Why did I keep going back? It's this inner critic that is
1:29.1	berating you, perhaps. And usually our inner critics are, you know, not our voice necessarily,
1:35.9	right? It sounds like us, but, you know, maybe it's your friends. Maybe it's your family.
1:41.2	Your attorney. God help you. If that's your attorney, give them the boot. It's cultural.
1:47.2	We ask women that all the time. Why did she stay? If it was so bad, why did she stay? Right.
1:54.8	It's this quiet, insidious shame that says, you should have known better. But here's what I want to offer you today.
2:02.0	Leaving is not a moment. It's a process. And if you understand that, like if you really grasp it,
2:09.7	it changes everything about how you see yourself and how you understand this process. Because
2:17.0	you didn't fail to leave sooner. You were in the process of leaving.
2:23.5	So we tend to tell the story of leaving like it's a single decision. Like there's a day that you wake up,
2:28.9	everything becomes clear and you just go. Right? Look, I am, I am guilty of telling that story, to be honest.
	...

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