Episode 34: I Want You To Want Me

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Health & Fitness, Sexuality

4.8 • 2.2K Ratings

🗓️ 13 January 2022

⏱️ 58 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

We all want to feel desired, but so often in relationships we get into a place where it feels like one partner wants the other more.

If you’re the higher desire partner, you’re probably feeling lonely and scared - scared that your partner might not be into you, and scared that you’ll get rejected if you initiate any kind of sex or intimacy. In fact, you may even be withholding affection for fear of being turned down!

If you’re the lower desire partner, you might be feeling ashamed, like there’s something wrong with you. You may even be tempted to start giving your partner half-hearted sex or intimacy in an attempt to appease them.

Unfortunately, none of these techniques end up being very successful, and in fact tend to only reinforce the feeling of imbalance.

In this week's podcast episode, we show you how to unravel these painful dynamics.

Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode34

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	You know, on the surface, we're talking about sex. Do you want to have sex? No, I don't want to have sex.
0:04.1	Yes, I do want to have sex. But what we're really talking about on top of the sex is also the
0:08.8	emotional intimacy, that feeling of closeness, of connection, of feeling important to each other,
0:14.6	prioritized by each other.
0:21.6	Hello and welcome to the Pillotox podcast. Where are your hosts, Vanessa?
0:26.3	And Zander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.
0:30.5	And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you
0:35.1	step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date
0:40.2	full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what
0:46.5	really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.
0:53.2	I hate to do this to you babe, but there is a perfect song that you could sing.
0:58.9	I want you to want me. I need you to want me. No, but oh so close. I thought you were going to get
1:10.3	more than one line of a song. What's not? What I miss. I need you to need me. I need you to need me.
1:15.8	Do you know the third line? No, as I was singing, I need you to want me. I can hear it in my head,
1:22.2	but I don't know how to say it. The third line I think is I'd love you to love me.
1:27.2	Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, what was that from? Never been kissed? Did they have that in
1:32.2	that movie? No idea. Oh god, that was such a classic, Drew Barrymore. Good movie. Anyways,
1:38.4	today we are talking about I want you to want me, what it feels like to want your partner to
1:46.8	desire you to want to feel desired by your partner. This topic was really inspired by a couple
1:54.4	that I saw years and years ago. It was a male and female couple. This was back when we were living
1:59.6	in San Francisco. I was seeing people in an office. Wow, my gosh. Shocking. And so they were in my
2:06.7	office. The husband started talking about feeling this lack of connection with his wife.
	...

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