A new report from the National Health Institute finds most Americans get the majority of their

exercise while drunk.

Activities like stumbling from one bar to another constituted the most aerobic activity

most Americans performed in an average week.

The study's findings are clear.

Drinking to excess is now one of the most healthy activities Americans regularly do.

Hoisting friends into the air and overly enthusiastic hugs, gesticulating wildly while

telling stories and chasing crying girlfriends down the street are far more calories than

most sober activities.

Dr. Will Garvin devised the study after consuming half a handle of Captain Morgan Rom in 2006.

I wrote the research proposal that very same night, and then my colleagues and I went

knocked over a statue.

T-B-T-L!

Are you working me for information, old McDonald?

I'm not in love!

Creativity to me is just like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all ideas and

just like shoots out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Hoppycock, both feathers.

You look like a matlock.

No, I look like a young Paul Newman dressed as matlock.

I'm going to make you work for your dollar, say something with that great radio voice.

Well here we go!

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