You know, Halloween is fast approaching.

The day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls and little girls

to dress like horse and go door to door, brow-eating, hard-working Americans into giving them

free food.

Well, you know what, Western Ohio?

We've lost the true meaning of Halloween.

Fear.

Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon.

It's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs.

Children must know fear.

Without it, they won't know how to behave.

They'll try fronching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida.

So moms, skip trick or treating this year.

And instead, sit your little toddler down and explain that Daddy's a hungry zombie.

And before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to mommy that you look delicious.

T-B-T-L!

Hello?

I can check the children.

What?

You know, could you get in, please?

He's watching me through the windows.

But if he calls again, we can throw in a tracer.

...