Stop the tapes. Stop.

What you have here is a bad hug.

It's insensitive and inappropriate for the work environment.

Let's try it my way.

Now watch, as Mark leans in,

finds the power center on the small of the back

gives three tender circles with the palm of his hand

and finishes with a friendly slap on the cheek.

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't.

Mark's wife loves her.

Now, new small words that you'll be sure to understand

you wore tongue-faced buffoon.

Why are you acting insane and threatening to cut my throat?

You scared me.

You gotta, like, say something before you touch me.

You stuck up half-witted, scrappy-looking, knurper.

You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded,

vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid.

You have no taste, a lousy, sensitive, humor, and you smell.

Other than that, though,

this is shaping up to be a banner Tuesday afternoon edition of TBTL.

...