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This is The Offensive.

You can't keep a good man down.

That's the story regarding the new selection problem at Chelsea for their goalkeeper.

Moving on, we've got Ashwood City stories, plenty of Ashwood City stories.

Before you go complaining to Offcom, as it's only 8am, I assure you it's nothing to do with Portsmouth and the boats and what have you.

It's actually various stories on Javier Cabello, the Ashwood City Youth Prospect,

who has unceremoniously ditched the Kent Club for Barcelona at just 15 years of age.

Don't buy the headlines here.

Don't have a cow man.

Then it's Javier Cabello's head on Bart Simpson's body as he skateboards away from Dartley Park,

...