The Democrats have reelected Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker, discussing the move with reporters,

one Democrat congressman who asked to remain anonymous while wearing a fake mustache in a dark room

with all the reporters facing away from him with their eyes closed, explain the move, saying,

quote, now that we'll be working with President Joe Biden, we wanted a leader who speaks his language,

namely incomprehensible rambling, trailing off into bizarre non-secretors, followed by aggressive

looks as if something meaningful has been said. Accepting the Speaker's gavel, Pelosi said,

quote, this is a great day for whatever country we're in. I was gratified to win this vote,

even though I couldn't be present for it, because I walked into a broom closet by mistake,

and was gossiping with a friend for two hours before I realized she was actually a mop.

I have to say she was surprisingly intelligent for a cleaning implement,

and I'm hoping to enlist her in running whatever organization I've just been made the head up.

Unquote. Speaker Pelosi then announced her first bill of the new session, which would create the

post of person who wipes off the lipstick after she accidentally draws a mouth on her forehead.

Another high-ranking Democrat who asked to remain anonymous while speaking from an undisclosed

location on a burner phone equipped with an electronic voice changer while holding a handkerchief

over his or possibly her mouth, told reporters, quote, we thought Nancy Pelosi was the best choice

for Speaker because she's completely out of her mind, and she not only screwed up every aspect

of the last election, but spent the last two hours in the closet trading gossip with a mop.

Who else would want the job of leading an institution that hasn't actually done anything

since 1985? Unquote. The interview came to a sudden end when police rushed into the Capitol

to protect Pelosi, who had complained of being attacked by a mad woman with a gaville before

she realized she was hitting herself in the head. Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Klavin, and this is the

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