The following may contain satire that will offend absolutely everyone.

I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I don't care.

A team of crack medical experts has reduced a preliminary report declaring that Gellene

Maxwell will have committed suicide when she is found hanging dead in her cell.

Miss Maxwell was arrested by the FBI after the FBI discovered that now that they weren't

spying on Republican political candidates for Barack Obama, they had a lot of time on their

hands and might as well do something sort of fun.

Like catching criminals.

So they charged Miss Maxwell with procuring underage girls for Jeffrey Epstein who committed

suicide by hanging himself in his cell in a manner remarkably similar to the manner in

which Miss Maxwell will have killed herself when she kills herself.

The team of crack medical experts who filed the report as the same team of cracks who recently

declared that people who attended massive protests with riots and looting would not contract

or spread the Chinese flu.

If their cause was just their hearts were true and they really needed a $400 pair of sneakers.

The cracks reached their conclusion by combining the report of a virtual autopsy on the soon-to-be-deceased

Miss Maxwell with an Excel spreadsheet charting how much money you can make as a CNN commentator

if you're willing to talk absolute drivel.

According to the crack findings, Miss Maxwell will have told several unidentified people she

was depressed and thinking of ending it all, which should alay any suspicions arising from

the fact that the video cameras tracking her cell will only play back old episodes of

Madam Secretary and the fact that the entire shift of prison guards witnessed nothing

...