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Slack.com slash DHQ. The following may contain satire that will

offend absolutely everyone. I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I don't care.

Joe Biden has given his first press conference since Hector was a pup. The former sentient

human being stood bravely before a mob of aggressive reporters who hammered him with

such probing questions as, do you like puppies? How great a vice president were you? Isn't

Donald Trump just so evil? And do you like puppies more than kittens? Or is it impossible

to say since they're both so very cute and cuddly? Biden said the press conference was

the best time he'd had since a bevy of prostitutes and competed to earn their pay by servicing

him sexually, and in fact, the experience was remarkably similar, though he hoped the

cold sores wouldn't be as hard to get rid of. Biden unleashed a furious attack on President

Trump, saying the president had shown himself to be a white supremacist by objecting to

mostly peaceful violence and the ensuing fires. Biden said it was important to destroy

statues, especially the ones with beards and southern accents, because they were the

most offensive. Biden also criticized Trump's handling of the pandemic, saying, quote,

Trump went ahead against my advice and banned travelers coming in from China. But what he

should have done was ban those little black germ balls with the red feelers coming out

of them. They're what's spreading the virus, not Chinese people. You don't see Chinese

...