When you work to obtain this sense of peace, you just don't want anyone coming in having access to it or disrupting it.

I discovered something that was already deep in me that was just buried under trauma and pain and shame.

And it's just unlearning to get out of the survival state, to get out of frozen state, to get out of trauma, to get out of negative core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm not important enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not

worthy, unlearning all of that. And then like something cracks open and it's as if you're home.

As if I've been here all along, it's my ego just told me otherwise.

I used to be in a wheelchair and blind in one eye and I'm no longer blind and I'm not in a wheelchair. So when you get to the depths of such suffering,

you have to find a way out. You always want a way out when you're suffering unless you want to stay

suffering, which is totally okay. I've done that too. But suffering has to come to an end. Otherwise, you don't want to exist anymore. And it's just the darkest realm of suffering. And to me, I wanted to find a way out. Yeah. I'm like, I have to find a way out. I have to figure out a way out. So I figured it out. I remember thinking, oh, I'm not getting enough attention.

Let me make myself a little bit sicker. If I can gain it. I remember consciously making these

decisions. And that is the true dark side of illness that no one's really willing to talk about,

but I am. I've healed from it. I've healed

hundreds, not thousands by now. When we admit to ourselves that sometimes we make ourselves worse

to garner attention, you stop that old pattern.

Because the world is round, it turns beyond. This is This is infancy

This is infants on thrones

Baby steps

You want someone to preach to you

The philosophies of men

I like magical toys

You are religion do you

Mingled with humor.

I don't believe in.

...