I take responsibility.

I take responsibility for everything I've never done so that those who have done those

things can continue to be irresponsible until they destroy their lives, and then I don't

have to worry about them anymore.

I take responsibility for every social ill of the last seven centuries committed by anyone

who looks vaguely like me by virtue of having to nose and eyes and being a human and doing

stuff that humans do to one another, but now is somehow my fault because otherwise I'd

have to tell you the truth about yourself and then you'd cancel me.

I take responsibility for the fact that you're sticking a gun in my stomach and demanding

all my cash.

Oh, and now you're burning down a building and I take responsibility for that too if you'll

just take the gun out of my stomach and here's my cash.

And please don't kill me.

I take responsibility for the fact that no matter what I take responsibility for, I'm

going to have more money than you.

In fact, I'm taking responsibility because it's cheaper than telling the truth and allows

me to keep more of the money.

I have more of the new so I can blow this crappy state and leave you with no tax base.

So you're screwed.

I take responsibility for every unfunny racial joke I never told even though the ones I

do tell are hilarious, like the one about an Italian, an Asian and a black guy who walk

into a bar.

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