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Candy S. Pansy Face, the mayor of Minneapolis, has issued a series of directives on how looters

can keep from catching the Chinese virus while they're burning down a city. Mayor Pansy

Face, whose last job was dancing to Justin Bieber songs on TikTok, said that he issued

the guidelines so that rioters seeking justice by violently destroying lives and businesses

wouldn't get what he called a nasty case of the sneezes or snuffles. To underscore the

importance of the directives, Mayor Pansy Face released them to the public while wearing

his supermasculine plaid lumberjack shirt and the same jeans he uses to dance along with

John Travolta while privately screening that great old movie, Saturday Night Fever. He

also appeared wearing two days' growth of beard, which his friends told him, looks

especially cool on him. The directives read his follows.

One, while addressing the systemic racism of America by rushing into target and stealing

a big-screen TV that you can either use to watch classic sports reruns or sell for drug

money, please wear a mask. Mask may not help to stop the spread of the coronavirus

but they demonstrate a respect for the common good of the people around you while you're

pillaging their possessions and then burning their businesses to the ground.

Two, while healing relations between the community and the police by mindlessly destroying everything

...