Officials around the country are devising new plans to deal with the Shai Kahn flu.

In New York City, Mayor Vladimir De Blasio has announced that in order to halt the spread of the virus,

he will from now on dress in a bright red military uniform with tremendous epilets decorated

with a braided gold fringe. De Blasio, or General Isomo, is he'll now be known, will proceed to

march back and forth on the balcony of Gracie Mansion, shouting commands at New Yorkers to remain

indoors until everyone realizes that it is he who should be president and not someone else

without a bright red uniform and golden epilets who is not named. De Blasio.

In California, Governor Gavin Newsom is dealing with the virus by grinning in a genuinely weird

and sort of scary way that seems totally unrelated to the meaningless but high-sounding phrases

coming out of his mouth. After that, he plans to order California neighbors to spy on one another

to make sure no one is taking more walks than he's supposed to, but also order police helicopters

to fly overhead for no apparent reason in order to create a sense of futuristic paranoia and depression.

Baltimore Mayor Jackie Young has asked city residents to stop shooting one another in order to

free up hospital beds for people with the virus. Baltimoreans hope these restrictions will be lifted

quickly so as not to harm the city's economy which mostly revolves around bullets.

The news media is also chipping in by screaming inflated disease numbers completely out of context

and describing worst-case scenarios as if they were inevitable while staring into cameras

with wide-eyed, fear-haunted faces before moving on to recount individual agonizing deaths

from the virus, hoping they will serve as an example of how to irresponsibly spread unnecessary terror.

And of course, governors, mayors, and the news media will all continue to work together

to blame Donald Trump for whatever happens next.

Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Clevon and this is the Andrew Clevon Show.

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