Many working women forced to stay home during the current crisis have discovered they have children.

These children need to be cared for, fed and educated, and are in pain in the neck in many other ways as well.

So as a public service, I'm offering my personally made-up suggestions on how to homeschool your child.

First, you may find that having been sent home from public schools,

your five and six-year-olds are no longer receiving important lessons in such subjects

as gender, fluidity, and how white people kill the Indians.

You might want to use the time they would have been studying these subjects to teach them equally useful activities,

like soaking Kleenex in toilet water and then hurling it at your little sister.

If you want to add an educational aspect to this, you can pretend little sister is an Indian who was

innocently going about the business of burning down her brothers' log cabin when he hurled the soaking

Kleenex and then cruelly laughed at her before taking all her empty land away and building New York on it.

Here's another helpful hint. Some public schools have introduced newfangled teaching methods,

like drugging your son into semi-consciousness with riddling and calling the police when he makes a

finger gun. If you're not up on these ultra-modern techniques, you might want to replace them with

more tried and true public school practices like flogging and exorcism. And finally, you may occasionally

overhear your child praying to God to let the quarantine last forever so that mommy doesn't go back

to work and leave him alone again. If this happens, take your child aside and gently explain,

there is no God, and if there is, and even thinks about granting that prayer, you will burn his

house down. Make sure God knows it's all your child's fault. Then tell your child the quarantine is

over and you're going back to work and hiding the bathroom for the next eight hours or until the

kid moves in with your ex. Trick or wine, I'm Andrew Klavin and this is the Andrew Klavin Show.

Well that opening was just plain mean and I hope many of you are writing into complain.

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