As a public service, the daily wire would like to offer the following instructions on how to behave during the woof-flu

pandemic. First, panic. Sell everything you own. Kill your neighbors and use their bodies for food.

If you have any cash on hand, send it to this address in the hopes that somehow I may be able to help you,

then huddle in a corner of the room sobbing while you wait for the end.

Second, never refer to this as the woohand virus that's racist and could cause Chinese restaurants to

go out of business, making it harder for me to get that walnut chicken I like so very much.

Try other names with the virus like the yellow peril, flue and chew, kung flu, with a shy-com bio-threat.

Test these on your Chinese friends to see if they're offended. If they are, why the hell did they

start this thing in the first place? Third, and this is very important. Never touch your face with your

hands. Instead, press both palms flatly against the sides of your head, then lift your eyes to heaven,

and scream, we're all going to die at the top of your lungs. This will relieve stress. They'll

possibly not for everyone around you. Fourth, practice social distancing. To achieve this,

call your best friends on FaceTime and tell them what you really think of them. Really lay it on.

Don't hold anything back. The goal here is to make sure they never want to come anywhere near you

again. If you come down with the virus anyway, you can always go to their houses and offer

to shake hands and make up. Fifth, never shake hands with anyone. Just flip them off.

It's much safer. Finally, Tom Hanks has announced that he has the virus, so clearly you're not safe,

no matter how nice a guy you are. So avoid touching volleyballs. Hanks has had his hands.

All over the... I knew I wouldn't make it through this. Also avoid watching the Da Vinci code.

It sucks. Trigger warning. I'm Andrew Klaven, and this is the Andrew Klaven Show.

I said before I started that that if I got through it without laughing, I deserve the Nobel prize.

So I lost the Nobel Prize. Let's talk about personality.

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