New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While Stocks

last subject to availability. Well, the Super Tuesday results are in. Donald Trump took immense

strides through seven states crushing buildings and citizens alike beneath his gargantuan clawed feet.

Scientists now believe the Trump phenomenon is the result of an illegal nuclear blast that

released radiation into the ocean resulting in a mutation of rage into stupidity and unleashing

the gigantic creature from his murky bed on the ocean floor. The Trump rampage left several cities

in smoking ruins and thousands either dead or just so depressed it's hard to tell the difference.

Soldiers with tanks and bazookas were unable to stop the rampaging Trump who's scaly, lizard-like

skin seemed to repel the ordinance without allowing any damage to his scaly lizard-like brain.

In the Democratic primaries, voters reported an enormous shadow passing over the sun that soon

revealed itself to be a woman in a pantsuit with blonde hair and the tremendous leathery wings of

a taradactyl breathing fire on the terrified civilians below the flying reptile emitted this hideous cry caught on tape.

I know right I'll give you nightmares. Several religious leaders have speculated that the

appearance of these beasts on the American political landscape may be punishment for the sins of

the world and even an omen of the end of days. But MSNBC host Chris Matthew says he's looking

forward to the sequel when the two beasts will clash in a titanic battle that will leave the entire

country a heap of steaming rubble. When told this wasn't a movie but actual reality Matthews responded,

oh crap. Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Klaven and this is the Andrew Klaven show.

So the American president of the races turned into a cheap Japanese B movie, you know,

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