The New York Times, a former newspaper, has endorsed two female Democrats for president.

In an endorsement entitled, Dedly-Dee-Dee-Dee, Two Ladies, the Times endorsed both Elizabeth Warren

and Amy Klobuchar, saying it was simply too much newspaper for one woman and didn't want to

restrict its passions to conform to outmoded ideas of fidelity. The endorsement, written by Times

editor-in-chief Blithering Crivarication III says in part, quote, it's not that we don't love

you Amy, but a newspaper has needs. And there are times when it's just natural for us to

yearn for a certain amount of variety. Sometimes, even when we're with you, the thought of Elizabeth

comes into our heads all unbidden. And we ask ourselves, why should we fight our desires like some

uptight backwards yokel when we're all sophisticated adults here who understand that these sorts of

things happen even among the happiest couples. Unquote. Mr. Third continued quote, in the end,

we found it impossible to decide between Amy's mean mommy appeal that always makes us wish she

would send us to our room and Elizabeth's naughty Native American librarian come on. It makes it

hard to tell the difference between Cupid's arrow and an Apache weapon of war. Unquote.

The Times conjectured that the two women probably had political differences as well. They called

Klobuchar the realist model and Warren the radical model and wrote quote, we just can't decide

whether we want to be seduced into socialist slavery like someone following the scent of an

enticing perfume and a mesmerizing clockwork of a lady's walk. Or whether we want to be dragged off

to pure communism, like that time we visited a dungeon and we're hung upside down by leather straps

and thrashed deliciously. But perhaps that's too much information. Unquote. Though some journalistic

observers scorn the historic double endorsement, the Times editorial board defended their decision

in a statement saying quote, we're dithering idiots who know even less about policy than we do

about American history. So that explains it. Trick or warning, I'm Andrew Klaven and this is the

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