According to MRC NewsBusters, there are now more prostitutes, witches, and people who keep

chickens as pets than there are viewers of CNN.

Fred Darmley, who keeps a pet chicken named Feathers, says he prefers his chicken to

CNN because, quote, a chicken won't just sit there and lie to you all the time, and if

it really gets on your nerves, you can fry the damn thing up and eat it, whereas most

of those CNN anchorman are dishonest and taste like crap.

A prostitute, Marva Wodolinsky, also known as Crystal, Candy, Brandy, Amber, or whatever

else you want to call her, says she prefers being a streetwalker to watching CNN because, quote,

I perform a service for people, I make them happy for a few minutes before leaving them

feeling empty and degraded, and they get to choose which lie I tell them instead of listening

to this Trump-Russian nonsense all the time.

I mean, face it, oh baby, you're the best I've ever had is just a lot more plausible than

the stuff Don Lemon or Chris Cuomo says, plus my job takes more brains than those guys have

put together.

Unquote.

And finally, practicing which Tiffany Bernstein says she prefers casting spells and performing

wick of ceremonies because quote, they may be utterly useless, made up garbage, but at least

there are no cable fees.

Unquote.

CNN news director, Demley Gornless, in a statement delivered between Heavine Sobs, told

anyone who had listened, quote, I think we need a new business model.

We tried calling Trump racist, fascist, a Russian spy, but the problem is the viewers can

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