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After months of research, a crack team of daily wire investigative reporters spreading

out across the country from sea to shining sea have managed to discover several Democrats

who are not running for president. Hillary Clinton, who used to be somebody or other, was

among the first to make the startling announcement that she would stay out of the 2020 race. Using

an empty shard and a bottle as a make-believe microphone, the former something told the

gathering of pink reptiles floating on the bar room ceiling, quote, if you think I'm going

to stand on a debate stage and take a load of crap from a bunch of crazy Stalinists, you're

out of your ever-loving mind. The only thing I ever had going for me was the name recognition

I got from being chained to that tailhound who promised if I stuck by him, he'd get me

to the White House. And now, if I'm not the biggest damn fool on planet failure, my name

isn't whatever the hell it is, unquote.

Mrs. Clinton offered to answer reporters questions until closing time and said, it's closing

time and bitch face first into her salad, losing consciousness.

Senator Democrat who says he will not run as Michael Bloomberg, the billionaire former

mayor of New York said, quote, it was a tough decision whether to use the presidential

bully pulpit to hector people about their eating habits or stay home and take a bath in

...