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The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has been rocking its brains about how to air

the Oscars, now that they've forced comedian Kevin Hart to resign as host because of something

that outraged somebody somewhere over something. I can't remember what. According to a statement

issued by Academy President, Sir Lee Whiteman, to the two junior high school students he was

having sex with, quote, we've managed to damage a black man's career, so that's proved

how virtuously politically correct we are. But now we need to hire another comedian who

can make jokes without offending anyone except the sort of clueless, brainless middle Americans

who made this country great so we could live off the fat of the land by making movies

no one wants to see and then giving each other awards for them, unquote.

Trying to find a more inoffensive host than Hart, the Academy is so far addition to white

noise machine and a wind up bunny rabbit but has recently begun to consider putting

on the show without any host at all. In a statement issued through his ecstasy supplier,

Whiteman said, quote, not only will we have no host but we're considering doing the entire

show without any audience as well. That way it would look more like the movies we'd be

honoring and would make a statement about the fact that modern audiences simply are not

woke enough to understand such small but beautiful films as snaking. The tender story of a teenage

...