EP 558: 10 Relationship Defense Mechanisms You Need to Know (And What to do Instead)

Let’s Get Vulnerable: Relationship and Dating Advice

Dr. Morgan Anderson

Mental Health, Relationships, Society & Culture, Self-improvement, Health & Fitness, Education

4.6 • 1.1K Ratings

🗓️ 2 July 2025

⏱️ 42 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

🥳 Episode Links:

Apply to the E.S.L. Program Here

In this episode of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast, I unpack the hidden ways we protect ourselves from intimacy, and how those patterns keep us stuck.

We are breaking down common relationship defense mechanisms like sarcasm, emotional numbing, idealizing, and devaluing, and I show you what to do instead if you're ready for a deep, connected relationship.

Inside this episode:

The truth about how we protect ourselves in relationships (and how it backfires)
Common defense mechanisms like devaluation, humor, avoidance, and control
How to respond differently so you can build real connection

Ready to break the cycle for good?

If you’re done with blame, confusion, and relationships that leave you feeling empty, apply now to the Empowered.Secure.Loved. Relationship Program. Inside the ESL program, you’ll get the tools, support, and healing you need to become securely attached and attract the kind of love you truly deserve.

Apply to the E.S.L. Program Here

🔗 Additional Episode Links:

Take the Free Attachment Style Quiz → https://drmorgancoaching.com/quiz

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Morgan Anderson, psychologist, relationship coach, attachment theory expert, creator of the ESL relationship method, author of Love Magnet and Athletic Wear Connoisseur. My mission is to help you raise yourself worth, have great relationships, and step confidently into the next level of your life.
0:22.3	Each week, two episodes will air featuring expert advice, live coaching, and tips, showing you
0:28.4	exactly how to improve your life and attract a healthy relationship. You deserve to feel empowered,
0:34.8	secure, and love. Buckle up and Let's Get Vulnerable. Welcome to the Let's Get
0:43.4	Vulnerable podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Morgan, and today's episode is a good one. This is
0:49.5	perfect for you. If you're dating, if you're in a relationship, if you're not dating, but you're
0:56.1	wanting to work on yourself and prepare yourself for when you get ready to date, this will help
1:01.6	you no matter where you are at in your healing journey. I'm going to talk to you about 10 super
1:08.8	common defense mechanisms that come up in relationships.
1:13.6	And let's first understand what a defense mechanism is.
1:18.4	It is a unhealthy way of showing up in a relationship.
1:24.9	It's a relationship strategy designed to get a need met,
1:31.3	but it's usually done in a passive-aggressive way, in a non-direct way. And I can tell you this,
1:41.4	that defense mechanisms are rooted in protection. The brain believes that,
1:47.0	oh, this is how I have to show up in order to be protected in the relationship, whether that
1:52.6	means in order to not be abandoned, in order to not be hurt, in order to get reassurance, right?
2:00.7	It's a way of trying to get your needs met in the
2:06.0	relationship and to also feel safe and to feel protected. But these are the very things that could
2:13.6	be ruining your relationships. So this is just a really important list. Let's go through it.
2:20.3	And I do want to point out how does this relate to attachment styles? If you have an insecure
2:26.5	attachment style, whether it's anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment, you will be way
2:33.0	more likely to identify with this list.
	...

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