Ep 357 Terry Real and Belinda Berman-Real
Marriage Therapy Radio
MTR
4.6 • 690 Ratings
🗓️ 29 January 2025
⏱️ 54 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Zach and Laura interview Terry and Belinda Berman-Real, diving deep into their personal relationship dynamics and the lessons learned through years of couples therapy and individual healing. The conversation touches on themes of sobriety, trauma, recovery, and the power of relational healing.
Zach starts by sharing his journey through recovery and how it has influenced his marriage, while Belinda and Terry provide insights into their own marriage, particularly how they overcame significant challenges stemming from trauma and emotional reactivity. They discuss the importance of repairing relationships through honest, sometimes painful, confrontation and how they’ve evolved from fighting for survival to fighting for love and connection.
One of the major takeaways is Terry’s explanation of the concept of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," emphasizing that no relationship is free from conflict, but the key lies in learning how to repair after the inevitable disruptions. Belinda adds that their journey has been one of learning to regulate themselves and each other in ways that foster love and security, rather than reactivity and defense.
They reflect on the impact of their trauma histories and how these experiences not only shaped their early relationship struggles but also led them to profound personal growth. Throughout the episode, Terry and Belinda share real-life stories, making this episode a rich blend of personal insight and professional expertise.
- Sobriety and Growth: Zach reflects on his sobriety journey and how it has paralleled his growth as a partner, highlighting the importance of personal transformation in maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Trauma and Its Lasting Effects: Terry and Belinda share how their childhood trauma impacted their early relationship, focusing on the process of moving from emotional reactivity to emotional regulation.
- The Art of Repair: Terry introduces the idea of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," explaining that relationships aren't about avoiding conflict but learning to repair after conflict in order to strengthen connection.
- Partners in Recovery: Belinda and Terry discuss how they see themselves as "partners in recovery," constantly working on themselves and their relationship to break free from their old patterns and build something stronger.
- Fighting for Connection, Not Survival: The couple explains how their marriage has transitioned from fighting for survival to fighting for love, and the role that therapy, honesty, and self-awareness have played in that shift.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hey there, and welcome back to Marriage Therapy Radio. |
| 0:05.5 | This is our third installment of So I Married a Relationship Expert, the series that I |
| 0:11.6 | named after a movie that I hoped to everyone would remember, but nobody does. |
| 0:18.5 | It's called So I Married an Ax murderer. |
| 0:19.8 | It's one of my favorite things to quote. And here's your quote of the week, which is Harriet, sweet Harriet, hot, hoddhododd |
| 0:28.6 | hobbinger of Haggis. Anyway, that's not what you came for. You came to hear us talk to |
| 0:36.4 | Terry Reel and his wife, Belinda Berman Real. We named this series, |
| 0:40.8 | So I Married a Relationship Expert. In this episode in particular, it's hard to discern which |
| 0:45.5 | one is the expert. They are both brilliant. They're both thoughtful. It's really cool to hear |
| 0:51.0 | them talk about the work that they have together, not just professionally, but personally over the last 30 years or so. |
| 0:59.7 | I first came across Terry's work in 1999, and we get to reflect on that a little bit, but also just on the principles and practices that they use not only in their work, but in their everyday life |
| 1:12.1 | to have a happier, healthier relationship. |
| 1:16.4 | I really appreciated the opportunity to talk to them. |
| 1:18.7 | I think you will too. |
| 1:19.7 | This is a very cool conversation. |
| 1:21.1 | Stick around. |
| 1:23.3 | I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and before I got sober, my wife would commonly say that she felt like she had three children. |
| 1:31.9 | So we've moved from three, she has three children to I have three wives. |
| 1:36.8 | And that's my favorite, that's my favorite stand-up joke that I made. |
| 1:39.6 | She accidentally called Zach her child yesterday while we were interviewing with her. |
| 1:43.8 | So I interviewed Zach and his wife for the |
| 1:46.1 | podcast similar to what we're doing. And that was really fun to hear her accidentally say my three |
... |
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