The Senate has released its version of a health care bill and reactions are pouring in.

Make believe Washington Redskins Senator Elizabeth Warren issued a statement saying, quote,

if this bill becomes law, everyone who has ever been born will eventually die.

So many thousands of human beings will lie dead on the street at the bloody hands of Republican serial killers.

It will be like that time the paleface set fire to our TPs and chased my tribe into a trail of tears.

We must respond by attacking the Capitol on horseback with stolen rifles and tomahawks.

Otherwise, the Republicans will just continue to purveying the ugly over-the-top rhetoric that leads to violence.

Unquote.

Senator Warren later issued a correction saying she was not in fact a member of the Washington Redskins,

but did have a featured role in dances with wolves.

As a scraw, who gets into Harvard Law School on false pretenses before being killed at wounded knee.

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer also weighed in on the new health care bill, sobbing uncontrollably

throughout a press conference during which he said in part, quote,

I haven't been able to stop weeping since I pretended to read this bill.

I just sit on the edge of my bed, clutching my rag doll and crying and crying.

Anyone who saw me would be so filled with pity they would never vote for this bill.

The statue of liberty saw me through my bedroom window and began to cry so hard she rusted

and now me never get to Oz to ask the wizard for courage.

Unquote.

The rest of Schumer's statement was unintelligible.

Hillary Clinton, who used to be someone or other issued a statement on the Senate health

bill after being asked for her opinion by an imaginary reporter.

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