New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While stocks

last subject to availability. Shock waves are spreading through the anti-fascist movement at the

discovery that anti-fascist activists are in fact fascists. Anti-file leader Thugley Dirtbag was

the first to get the startling news in a YouTube video released from an undisclosed location. He said

quote, there I was minding my own business wearing a balaclava while beating up a housewife

in a mega hat. When I caught sight of myself in a store window and I was like, whoa, who's the real

fascist here? A peaceful woman I disagree with or the mass stormtrooper beating her unconscious.

I just slapped my far head and said, oh I get it, the real fascist is me. Man, you could have

knocked me over with a feather. I guess now I'll have to punch myself in the face. Ha ha, unquote.

Professor Evelyn Screamy of NYU's Manipule of Psychopathology Department spoke to reporters

outside her room at the home for the terminally misguided. Professor Screamy said quote,

all these years I've been telling my students that they were fascists infiltrating the university

and now it turns out I was right there were and I was one of them who could have seen that coming.

It was like one second I was in a classroom explaining how fascist martial government violence

to silence their opposition and the next second I'm standing out on the sidewalk shrieking

that the police should beat up a group of peaceful Trump supporters. Well I just slapped my

far head and I was like, hey kids look at the crazy fascists it's me unquote. By the way it was later

revealed that Miss Screamy was not an NYU professor but a lobster porn artist where upon NYU hired

her to head up their department of lobster porn. News that anti-fascist leftism is actually

...