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Well, it's 2017, and you know what that means, and neither do I.

Now, in years past, around this time, I've tried to make some new years resolutions.

But frankly, I just find it too discouraging when, despite my best intentions, a couple of weeks go by, and I find myself once again,

standing in a motel room dressed as a teddy bear holding a smoking gun over the body of a girl in a French maid's outfit.

So this year, instead, I've decided to make other people's new years resolutions for them, and let them kill the girl.

For instance, I think Democrats should resolve this year to recommit themselves to their core values, and stand on those principles until every single voter in America is a Republican.

I think Barack Obama should resolve to bring to his post-Presidential career the same sort of patriotic, jua-da-vi, and full-throated faith in Western values

that made his administration a time of inspiration and uplift for everyone who believes that Aleju Akbar is just the right thing to shout before you blow up a shopping center.

I think Hillary Clinton should resolve to use her now copious spare time to take up some useful hobbies, like knitting or cooking, so that Bill Clinton has a welcoming home to come to after a long day of slaving away over a hot prostitute.

And now that he's done working with Hillary, I think her running mate Tim Cain should resolve these finally going to get that sex change operation and find out what life is like as a man.

I think Republicans ought to resolve that now that they control the House, the Senate, and the White House, they might occasionally take some time off from rolling over for every Democrat proposal that comes down the pike.

They could just roll over for their own personal pleasure, maybe in the grass, or on that nice fuzzy rug in the living room.

I think the reporters at CNN should resolve that they will continue to cover Donald Trump with a dog-ed, informed, and professional attitude of complete, mindless hysteria, so that every time the man speaks, they run around in circles with their hands thrown up in the air, screaming in high-pitched voices until they all fall down together in a heap, exhausted and sobbing.

This will give CNN reporters something to do while the rest of us are watching the news on other channels.

And finally, I think soon to be President Donald Trump should resolve to commit himself fully to upholding the values of the American Constitution, which is that crinkly brown piece of paper with the funny writing on it, in the big glass case and the rotunda, the national archives, the one that starts with we, the nevermind.

Just try not to break anything.

Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Clayvin, and this is the Andrew Clayvin Show.

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