Thanks, giving is upon us, and that means it's time to stop our complaining and our worrying,

and to set aside our anger against our neighbor just because he tried to ruin the country forever

by supporting the most corrupt political hack ever to sell an economically crippling

and politically enslaving platform of eternal misery that any idiot could have seen was

a looming disaster for anything and everything we hold dear.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, we're setting aside our anger at that gormless schmuck and taking some time to think about all the things we're grateful for.

For me, this Thanksgiving is I kneeled to say my prayers in the very place where I lost consciousness the night before.

I'll be saying special thanks that I was born and raised in the greatest country on the face of the earth,

and only moved here after that unfortunate incident with my 15-year-old cousin Amalia, who told me I better emigrate,

but for her uncle Farouk, tell her uncle Farouk, come down.

Sorry about that, I will get through the rest of this.

I'll also be saying thanks that I live in the land of the free and the home of the brave,

where men or men more often than not, and women are probably women,

though you might want to double-check before you do anything involving leather pants and lotion.

This Thanksgiving, I'll be thankful that I have enough to eat,

and I'll remember that I want to share that bounty with the hungry children around the world,

though not as much as I want the new Xbox One, because Gears of Four looks absolutely amazing,

so maybe I'll help the hungry children of the world near to Christmas,

when I'll probably feel a little more guilty because of all that stuff about the baby Jesus.

Although I bet if the baby Jesus were here, he'd want the new Xbox Two,

especially after he saw the previews for Gears of War IV.

...