As we all know, romantic life used to be simpler in the old days. There were only two

genders, male and female, and there were only two forms of attraction, heterosexual and

unspeakable. But today, there are men who identify as women and women who identify as men,

and men who identify other men as women, and women who identify men as other men, and

then make love to the first man while secretly fantasizing he's the other man. At least,

I've heard that happens. Rather than simply mock the fabulous colors in this rainbow of

diverse orientations, I thought it would be wise if we educated ourselves to the full

array of sexual identities and then mock them. For instance, many of you may have heard

that singer Miley Cyrus recently identified herself as pansexual. Pansexual is a form

of sexuality where you desperately seek attention by taking your clothes off because you have

no talent. In the bad old intolerant days, such people were shunned, but today I'm happy

to report they can lead full, happy lives until they're about 25 when they go into rehab.

Another differently oriented sort of person that's been in the news lately is the asexual.

An asexual is a man who reports that he feels no sexual attraction whatsoever, but baby

you might be just the girl to change all that if you'd only try. Although there's still

some prejudice toward asexual men among women with IQs over 60, being asexual generally

works like gangbusters with your intellectually challenged babes, especially after a couple

of brusquies. Then there are those who are demisexual. This orientation has come to light because

it affects such celebrities as Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher. Oh, wait, no, that's demisexual.

Demisexual is when you're only sexually attracted to people with whom you have formed strong

emotional bonds of affection. Another term for demisexual is being a woman. Yet another

form of sexuality is called being Lithromantic. Lithromantic people are attracted to rocks

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