I know many of you will be watching the debate tonight because you care so deeply about

this country and have nothing better to do.

You're asking yourself important questions like, what will the rules of the debate be?

If I down a shot of whiskey every time someone says something stupid, will ambulance service

be available?

And if I put Monday night football, Saints Falcons game in the picture and picture,

will my girlfriend realize how shallow I am and ditch me for some serious guy who actually

gives it in?

No today is a public service that daily wire presents this list of debate rules as officially

established by the Commission for Presidential Debates in conjunction with the producers

of storage wars and the guys who wrote the last episode of lost.

Rule one.

The audience of the debate shall be fairly divided between the two candidate supporters.

One half of the front row seats shall be reserved for billionaire businessmen who are giving

millions to Hillary Clinton because they know she can't be bought by billionaire businessmen,

but will be totally fair to the poor, which is what they totally care about.

Totally.

The other half of the front row seats shall be reserved for women Bill Clinton has assaulted.

Rule two.

The first opening statement of the debate shall be made by Hillary Clinton in a screechy

haranguing voice that will make you feel like you've been condemned to spend eternity in

a small room with your ex-wife's mother.

...