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The Commission on Presidential Debates announced its selection for this year's absolutely fair debate moderators.

The announcement came on the Friday before the Labor Day weekend, in the hopes no one would be around to hear how absolutely fair the moderators are.

They'd be too busy not hearing the FBI dump on how absolutely honest Hillary Clinton is.

In a statement to the media, debate Commission President Huma Abedin said,

quote,

we sincerely hope our blatant display of bias will communicate our contempt for the American people and their election process.

As Democrats, we trust we have injected enough self-hatred into the minds of the voters that they will willingly choose to elect those of us who despise them.

The list of moderators elevates some of the finest journalists in the country by giving them the evening off, and instead appoints people certain to ask searing questions of any candidate who hates women so much he would try to stop the rise of the first female president, a great lady who must be treated gently because she just isn't feeling very well.

The absolutely fair moderators include Michael Sanford. We know this charming 20-year-old British man will be fair because he actually attended a Trump rally at the Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas.

And all right, yes, he attempted to steal a policeman's gun and assassinate Trump while he was there, but he now promises to ask both candidates equally probing questions which he hopes will allow him to get close enough to Trump to get off a clean shot this time.

Another absolutely fair moderator will be Vicente Fox. Senior Fox said he would graciously take time off from being president of Mexico to teach that Gringo SOB with the Nauranja Comeover not to go around calling Mexican criminals.

To prove they are not criminals, senior Fox said he would bring a couple of Mexican policemen on state to drag the candidate into a van, tie him to a chair, and torture a confession out of him the way they do with everyone who dares to stand up against the cartels.

Senior Fox insisted the Mexican policemen would be completely fair in the questions they asked Mr. Trump while shocking him with a cattle prod.

When someone explained to Fox that in fact he was no longer the president of Mexico, Fox wandered around in a days, wondering why he was still carrying a saber and wearing his admirals hat.

The final absolutely fair moderator of the debates will be a wax dummy of Franklin Roosevelt, who through the miracle of animatronics will deliver pre-recorded questions that are absolutely fair to both candidates, even though his recorded voice sounds strangely like Hillary Clinton's.

Among the questions that will be delivered to the Democrat candidate will be, can I have your cookie recipe and how much does it mean to you to be a grandmother, among the questions delivered to the Republican candidate, will be, why can't you just die and why are you still here?

Didn't I tell you to die? The first absolutely fair debate is scheduled to be held September 26th between Donald Trump on the one side and Hillary Clinton and CNN's candy crowly on the other.

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