New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While stocks

last subject to availability. The Democratic Convention begins today in all across America.

Journalists are breathless with excitement to watch the first female ever to become a major

party's nominee for the first president ever to be impeached and convicted in her first term,

paving the way for the first white male ever to become president after a female president was

elected. Let's take a look at the exciting schedule of speakers and events that awaits those

of us who haven't punctured our eardrums and then set ourselves on fire hoping to avoid the whole

thing. Today, the festivities open with an inspiring 21 gun attack on police officers,

followed by solemn speeches about how much Democrats respect police officers and what a shame it is,

they have to be killed in order for Democrats to secure the black vote. The keynote speaker will

be Bernie Sanders who will issue a stirring call for something that won't be heard because the

microphone will mysteriously cut out just before a trap door opens in the floor and he vanishes

down a pneumatic shoot only to reappear hours later in the year 1932. On Tuesday, the mother of

school yard thug, Trayvon Martin, will speak. The unarmed Martin was shot dead while innocently

slamming a man's head into a curb stone. Next, the mother of petty criminal Michael Brown will speak.

Brown was shot by a police officer for the crime of just being black while trying to grab the

officers gun and kill him. These mothers will try to get the audience to imagine what it's like to

have your innocent son killed. Then the mothers themselves will try to imagine what it's like to have

their innocent son killed. Then everyone will close their eyes and imagine we live in a world

...